write, well

i have writer's block when it comes to bible it seems. i've attempted earnestly on many occasions now to write an essay, a 5 page paper, and the mother of all 10 page paper over the last three weeks. and the stress, anxiety or mania monster has come to eat me every time. i'm allergic to bible, sorry god.

okay, so that was slightly blasphemous i suppose... but honestly, that is where i'm at. so far this week, i've been able to make up all but one of my history assignments, make an in-depth power point presentation for lit., and make up three math tests ...

i have to eek these out before the end of the week. it's wednesday.

part of it is that i'm so tired of being in bible-land... part of it is that i am afraid of writing for this professor - the harvard man - and part of it is that until this week i literally felt paralyzed when it came to _any_ of this work.

so maybe typing all this frustration out here will start a writing streak. i need it, desperately. i've read a little, i've thought a little and i've even scribbled outlines. the thing i always hit when it comes to writing thoughtfully about any scripture or doctrine is that i either feel that it's so obvious that i don't need to express it, or that it's so enmeshed in scholarly-lize that i can't understand more than five words.

and all i need to do is find and angle and just start writing. but i don't care. i don't care about these subjects, i tried - i tried to work on a subject that irked me, and came to find out that three others in the class did the same thing. so, of course, now i don't want to do that. you know, i can feel it - i'm running completely out of excuses. this is good. this is really good.

there's so much crap going on for the rest of this week. tomorrow i have to make sure i go to class, make a presentation in lit, and then help with decorating the theatre for spotlight. normally i enjoy spotlight, i look forward to it - right now it's another impediment to my getting things DONE. oh, and then there's the chorale rehearsal that i will miss, again, for our big chapel performance. i should talk to gary about that and tell him i can't do it. i really can't. i don't know the song well, and i haven't earned to privelege of performing it... plus - I HAVE NO TIME!

oh, and then there's friday - chorale performs in chapel, i'll have to make up my last math test over algebra, and make up at least two of the memory verse tests for gardner. by then i need to have turned it at least the essay/outline and the 5 page paper. there, that's a goal, right? in the midst of all this - i need to get to jackson and buy my soon to be sister in law a lingerie shower gift and find food to serve at this gorram shower.

yeah - that's saturday. we have chorale picnic, a must - and something i've looked forward to until like, you know - now. and then this epic lingerie shower that i've felt under duress to arrange. i wanted to... and then there was all this drama around it. gah. stupid.

sunday? church. performance at henderson. 1 acts. the scramble for completion of all sorts of crap before finals...

oh yeah - and then there's 2-D design that i HAVE to salvage. i need to find time to talk to laquita, get a past due project done, buy paper for the final - and then create it before wednesday. in all my free time.

all my free time.

i've worked myself into a state of headache now. all that's left is to write out my master list, own it - then do it.

tomorrow.

i've just been

hiding.

that's all. i'm so ridiculously aware of myself, my brain, my heart, my mind... i devoured a book between last night and this afternoon, and i've a good mind to eat another tonight. i mean, what's the use? i can't seem to focus on anything i should and i'm mesmerized by my own incomrhensible idiocy, my warped and self-centered mind . . .

and the world just keeps happening around me, and all the people i love are impatiently waiting for me to get over it and rejoin the party. i'm so dull and repetitive, so thick and slow, so... small and petty and full of fear

i want to stop. i'm trying to stop. this is no time to be doing this.

no time to be doing this at ALL

i can't... and this is all so silent and desperate.

if i'm manic depressive, i'm not even good at that. i'm wimpy... i'm just pitiful and stupid... and very very dizzy

ugh... why why why do i feel so outside of myself and so warm and weird tonight? i don't want this, and yet i do... but if i have this can it be so over the top that all will stand back in awe and excuse my shortcomings and remember only my pain, and what i've already been through

i want to be finished with this place, and yet i'm stuck stuck STUCK

i can't seem to let myself out - and i want OUT ... i want OUT OUT OUT
but i can't seem to want it enough.
if i wanted it enough i'd find the right energy and i would do my work and it would GET DONE
and the internet would fade away
and the strain and stress and terror would diminish
and i would relax
and cry
and breathe
and find a place to soak in a tub with hot water until all this horrid horrid nastiness came out of me

am i really really this way or am i making myself this way? am i hiding behind something not quite there or is this REAL???

i just want to be able to do something right. i want to close this chapter of my life.

no, i REALLY do.

god please let me

diagnosis

she pulled out the DSM from her shelf, opened it up and asked me to read some descriptions...

Bipolar II Disorder
Presence (or history) of one or more Major Depressive Episodes.
Presence (or history) of at least one Hypomanic Episode.
There has never been a Manic Episode or a Mixed Episode.
The mood symptoms in Criteria A and B are not better accounted for by Schizoaffective Disorder and are not superimposed on Schizophrenia, Schizophreniform Disorder, Delusional Disorder, or Psychotic Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.
The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
Hypomanic. This specifier is used if the current (or most recent) episode is a Hypomanic Episode.
Depressed. This specifier is used if the current (or most recent) episode is a Major Depressive Episode.

that was three weeks or so ago. the concept floated through my head, i read about it and thought about it - mentioned the idea to a friend or two ... the more i learned, the more i realized that the diagnosis was correct, spot on.

and now i'm coming to the close of a week of adjustment to treatment: mood stabilizers ... i'd had unpleasant experience with anti-depressants and strong feelings about ever using them again. so, it was a weird relief to know that i didn't have to take them... of course, i rapidly discovered that the first drug i started on (that fit my budget so well- thanks to the $4 pharmacy lists), an anti-convulsant, did not agree with me at all. i then shifted gears with the help of the doc, to a drug that can be classified as "anti-psychotic". heh.

now, for the most part - this news, and the concept of treatment has been acceptable to me. okay, this explains like a million things that i've felt i could never control about myself, aspects that i've been alternately amused, horrified or ecstatic over now have a source, a reason. but now, what the hell do i do?

it makes me angry that i only am learning this now.

i'm relieved to know this now.

it freaks me out that i can't control this.

i don't want this to be a crutch.

this really messes with my earnest endevours and ambition to crawl out of hell and into my self-defined paradise.

how wacked out and weird do i seem to other people? how long have i been this way? the paranoia and isolation i've felt all this time... it was all in my head, but now i think i've ruined my chances of getting out of it.

and WHY NOW??? i'm supposed to be kicking ass and taking names (as a friend of mine would say). i'm supposed to be finishing my last semester of college in a blaze of glory.

i'm

drowning

and

no one

can
.

.

.

help


... gods, i'm so melodramatic.