my family

recently "friended" a few cousins - well, second cousins - from my mom's side of the family, both paternal and maternal. growing up mostly away - until "high school" age anyway - i didn't know them. not much anyhow. their world seemed so different, so connected, and so... american. it still does, but in a different way now.

american. it used to connote more disgust than it does now. i was so afraid of being "it". when we came back to the states, there were nights too many that i cried myself to sleep because i felt i would never be happy, and i would definitely never fit in.

then the point came when, in some ways in order to cope, i distanced myself. i created a persona that was above the pointless pop culture and peer pressure, where i looked down on the waste and limited mindset of "my" generation. it was easier. i couldn't get in, so i made staying out a paradise.

it helped to homeschool, and it helped to already be a missionary's kid... i was weird, i was an outsider... so i simply embraced the label i felt placed on me. i was wise beyond my years, above the growing up phase and spiritually mature in a way most teens weren't

hah.

and it hurt when i hit the point one day where i realized, i had no coming of age. i had no time to rebel... i'm still not sure it's necessary, but since then it seems to have become so. when i realized i was no more mature than those around me, maybe even less so, i gave up in a grand way. and i'm not talking about "knowing" more - that i was more naiive than some ( i was)... but that there truly were people my age who could make better, wiser decisions than i could.

ouch.

on the other hand, there have been things that i've never wished away and never regretted. i love african childhood. i love my american childhood too. i am thankful for the family, both african and american who nurtured me and helped shape my unique identity.

it really does hurt sometimes, knowing i missed out, that there are "blood" relatives who missed out on knowing me, and i them. it is strange though, to even begin to imagine my life without the shade of the highland mountains... the beauty of the bvumba and the joy we felt when the rains returned to us... i cannot go back, but i can honor a time in my life that has moved me forward, knowing great joys and sorrows with great gain.

my family is all over. tennessee, oklahoma, estonia, zimbabwe, texas, italy... each place and each person hold a multitude of stories and memories that make up me.

homesick

i am homesick. grieving for losses i had not acknowledged before. 

loving the life i've lived, and hurting through the moments when no one knew me. 

home, africa, as i knew it - replete with love friends laughter music happiness and the smells and tastes i know best - is gone. 

what i had will never exist in quite the same way again. and since, i have struggled to find it once more, pushed and pulled to tearing the life i have lived so that i might eek out a semblance of what was. 

tonight i am a foreigner in the land i am bred from. this place, i am told, is home. i do not remember it. i do not know it. it does not know me. what i see hurts my heart, and fills me with sadness.

the waste. the anger. the selfishness. the silent secret gnawing and empty pain.

where am i from?

i am from my family's heart, i am from where i'm going to, i am from wherever i am.

but i'm weary, and tired of the going going going. the pushing pushing pushing. this world wearies me,

doesn't it weary you?

this is the week

this is the week where everything about me comes under question, where it all looms above and in a deep voice demands an account of me.

it does.

it's been this way four years running now. two years ago it paralyzed me, i was miserable, and those who loved me knew it - maybe even those who didn't know me knew it. last year, i pushed through, i demanded of myself a perfection that had yet to be achieved. i was brilliant, i was bold, and i got nine job offers out of that SETC.

this year, i am meeting so many things with different eyes. eyes that are less sad, still knowing, more hopeful. so many things are renewed.

i am determined that, if this week will always hit me over the head with bells and sirens alerting me to all my past sore points, then from here on i will glance up at the deep booming voice, grin, wave and say, "let's talk".

because, i am not afraid of what i once was afraid of. there was a time in my life when i thought god was bringing on me all of my worst fears, and that i would never be whole again and never be "good". someone i respect, who has faced more fear, pointed out this week that fear can turn into faith... and faith is,

"the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

the hurts happened, they healed slowly, awkwardly, and some still ache when the weather's not right, but they are past tense. they inform my present and future, but they do not define me.

o-oh...

good grief.

life is so draining/exhilerating/paused/pressured

full.

costumes for another show... macbeth in the civil war? really?

and dreaming about the design process for the next. the little prince.

my resolve about theatre for this year: do not seek it out for one year, but if it hits you over the head, let it.

ouch. it keeps hitting me, and it's not even february yet.

i'm getting married in exactly 30 days. ... yeah.

overwhelmed. good. overwhelmed.

unformed and unknowing

i step back into the world and wonder what is ahead. again. i am beginning to think that i will experience multiple reincarnations over a single life span. every year there is a new thing to learn and an old thing to tackle, each day i am awash with glittering and multi-faceted doubts. realizations.

breathing.

breathing more.

so many wants and impulses rush through my veins, pushing through my pores, pressing against my tear ducts and making my throat ache. it's not constant but it is there, available at any time i let things slip. why is everything so turbulent beneath this surface?

do i even need to know why or analyze it?

a discussion last night:
- realizations about how far one person can actually go, actually reach from where we are...
- a feeling that the canvas will never be completely clear again...
- how do i use the errant strokes, how do i incorporate the things that feel like hindrance into something that goes forward?
- control
- it's not the same as self-discipline
- i don't have either, and desire only the latter, not the former

(do you remember when you first figured out the whole latter/former thing? it's still fun to use)

unformed and unknowing, i am thrust forth into the world... i was. some people really have their life all planned out, and seem to achieve each little goal on the way to wherever they're going. that scares me, but i also don't want to endlessly search, continually stab into the darkness, constantly wonder where the other options went... ugh. here's a word i loathe...

balance.

NPR informed me the other day (like it does) of the whole delightful concept: the universe is not symmetrical.

take that balance.

this pleased me in my own little cynical way. the universe isn't balanced, the world isn't balanced... it's tilted right? i'm not completely against symmetry - it has it's moments, but i've never felt completely symmetrical in my life.

well sure, there's a certain amount of pleasing "the circle is now complete" symmetry in my life, that is true... and i like acknowledging those moments with a knowing grin... i look forward to collecting those over a lifetime... but, at the same time - we need a little lopsided-ness, you know?

if everything was balanced and reasoned, i would still be in cincinnati... no wait, i'd have been an education major... no wait, i would never have dropped out of school... no wait.... well, you know.

and, i like my life even with its intensities and uncertainties... i think it forces me to cling and to know and then to see that i don't know, i don't control... and that i am not in the business of making the world's actions even out.

on a mildly different leg of this musing - realizations of late:

- God and i are getting better again.
- i am valuing my family (blood and otherwise) in ways i haven't before
- i am economically prone, and completely undisciplined financially
- there is no way i could not be a feminist, and i like that
- women's history, and anthropology make me happy happy happy
- eric is good. so good.
- i'm not sure what will happen next, but i am on the way to it, and i like how every thing is unfolding, even though some days are really difficult

and i just can't seem to control myself grammatically.

oh and:
- writing is good, so good, it feels good and... i want to do more of it

so, to sum up - the universe is asymmetrical, words and writing are beautiful, God gets that i'm stubborn and i love not knowing everything. yes.

since last we met

as usual, much has happened. much has changed.

on the fantastically fabulous side: I'M ENGAGED!!!

and feel wonderfully gloriously happy and RIGHT about it all! i am so blessed, and he is so good, and we are so good for eachother and so... real. i like it, and i know deep in my bones that we can make this work and that God will bless us with such a good life together.

on the ridiculously dissapointing and depressing side: i quit my job.

yes, my first out of school theatre job - boo. and it makes me sad, and it makes me question me, but then i also know this is the right choice on multiple levels. i preface it all with, it's a great company but:

- it's not the right place or position for me right now
- i'm not doing _anything_ i want to do, now or ever
- i was promised things that have not materialized
- i need to be closer to my fiance as we prepare for marriage
- i am not healthy here, i am emotionally, spiritually and socially miserable
- i can earn more working retail for a while and pay off debts before heading BACK to school

and every day i think of something new. it's gotten to the point at work where i feel sick constantly, like i'm going to just snap and lose it sometimes... it isn't a difficult or complicated job, it's just combination of all the things i really don't want to do, or care about doing.

i need to care.

so... i will find something i care about, and do that, when God shows it to me. in the mean time, i will work hard at getting the little loose ends of my life tied up as much as they can be... and focus the now stuff.

i'm ready - so ready, to stop this moving around, and this uncertain phase of my life... i'm ready for a little tiny tiny bit of stability. and more moments with eric, who is wonderful and full of surprises and sweet things. he is better every time i see him, and i feel so loved, and so on the same page with him. how did i get this lucky?

closing

closed my first show here this weekend. i'm ready to move on from neil simon ... next up, peter shaffer's amadeus. yay.

but before i dive deep into that, i'm taking a little breather. eric is arriving in ohio on thursday, and i am very much ready to see him. we've spent more time apart during this dating thing than we have together. tucson is entirely too far away, and tennessee is only marginally better.

it's been nearly two months since i arrive in cincy. in some ways i feel i've been here longer, in other ways i still feel like i'm going back to school in a couple of weeks and that this is all just temporary.

but it's not.

and this year, perhaps the first of many (a few?) in cincinnati is my time to get this whole living a balanced, responsible life right. i feel like there's so much ahead of me, so much good is possible. there's also good now, but i'm still clearing the cobwebs away from years of ups and downs, and hiding from myself and what i need to do, and who i need to be.

lots of reading about bp going on right now, i had a scary time about a month ago. a mixed episode on the verge of mania, half a day spent in the E.R. in order to get meds, and to get sorted. on opening night. not the way i wanted to spend my time, and then it was. i knew it was coming, i let my meds run out, and i was pushing myself to get things done, and nervous as heck about my new job, and what everyone thought of me. paranoia was beginning to rear its ugly head.

so, i'm trying to get a handle on all of it. i still have moments of serious doubt about the diagnosis. can't i just be an intense, creative, highly strung person? can't i live without the drugs?

i'm on a waiting list for therapy at a clinic with a sliding scale... that's good. in the meantime, i fill my brain with books and good thoughts. i may even go to a support group meeting this week... maybe.

and the job is good. i've realized i can't do just this for very long in theatre... i want something more creative to sink my teeth into. i miss rehearsal. i miss research. i miss running lines, and pulling costumes, and scribbling down blocking. i can do so much, and then i also feel like i can do so little. i'm praying that some door will open, even a small opportunity, to prove myself, to make something, to create.

but this is a good place to be, and i can only see it getting better.