observations and ruminations of a first time mother

take it as a sign that i truly am hormonal and pregnant - but i must rant, yet again.

okay, maybe it's not always a rant, but i must at the very least muse.

observations since i have made my pregnancy known to all 
(all being facebook and the big world beyond, of course)

- everyone on fb is pregnant or is enamored of their newborn


- the profile pic of your baby (once sex is determined, of course) must go up, it is de rigeuer. of course, this may mean an extra five seconds of "who is that commenting on my wall?" while squinting at an adorable fuzzy baby outline too.


- people, not just older or very younger who might be excused due to unfamiliarity with current medical technology, do not understand that it takes a while until the ultrasound tech can make that educated guess as to whether you're having a boy or a girl... like, at least 20 weeks for most people.


- oh, and people want to know and don't understand you not wanting to know the potential sex of your child.

- question i am sick of: are you excited about the baby?

um - how do you answer this? yes, i am excited about the drastic life changing event and how it is irreversible and permanent and completely unfamiliar to me... i am excited about doing something that is just about completely new in every way to me... yep.


or, uh - duh, i'm excited. we live in a culture where, thanks to the availability of contraception etc., having a baby can be a choice - we decided to get married and all that that entails, including procreation, so - we're excited.


but i've never been the bouncy giddy let's ooh and aah and spontaneously break into baby talk type. why should that completely change now? note, please, that i left room for change... i'm not foolish enough to deny the effects of the hormones racing through my body of late, or the intensely satisfying dreams i've had recently where i glimpse my little one's face - a composite of all the babies i've ever held and loved.


back to observations

- horror stories! good grief people! i don't know why finding out that i am due in november inspires some people to tell all their worst experiences or stories relating to infertility, miscarriage, stillbirths, birth complications, childhood diseases and conditions... and the list goes on! why???

i am, of course, a sympathetic listener and want people to feel comfortable relating to me. i know that the relation of these stories are strangely well-meant, and a part of the initiation rituals of motherhood. i can see that. but please, can you tell me happy or funny stories instead? i can handle gross or even long winded boring stories about children and grandchildren i will never know but an endless saga about a friend's pregnancy challenges only adds to this paranoid's list of anxieties.

- under the same category i suppose:
reasons why person a, b or c ended up having a c-section, saying yes to drugs, choosing to bottle-feed, or anything else that is the opposite of what i _hope_ (note-hope! i am a realist) to do.

we all have ideals of what the beginning of motherhood/parenthood will be like. i know that these things do not always come to fruition in the manner one expects. two things:


1. don't assume that i am naive enough to be inflexible when it comes to my own ideals
2. realize that i have many, many positive examples and mentors available when it comes to practicing what i wish to do in my own pregnancy, birth experience, and early baby nurturing time.


i value good advice and hard won experience. i don't quite understand the need to excuse ones' self from any choices made in a birth story.


well, enough observation for now i suppose. thank you for the rambling rant... 


and now i will tell you happy things about my own pregnancy. things i wish to remember.

- the baby moves a lot. this is the best reassurance in the world to me after the loss of our first pregnancy. i am truly astonished each time i feel a flutter or nudge.


- i don't look that pregnant yet... in fact i've lost weight since the pregnancy began. this amuses me and the doctors are pleased at how healthy we both are so far.


- but i did buy maternity clothes. the capris with the ever so attractive "panel" are soooo comfy. and i've stretched enough to need them.


- i love every baby and small person i see. no, see, i'm not normally that way. i am the type that is guilty of remarking that certain acquaintances "spawned", or are "breeding" when they announce a pregnancy... yeah. and i like little people a lot, but i don't necessarily swoon over each one like many sweet friends of mine do.


- i am nostalgic, sentimental, teary, moody and generally intense. to which you say, wasn't she already?


best of all- 


this experience is making me a more honest and determined human being. it is challenging me to straighten my priorities and know myself more than i have before. the idea of imprinting myself on a new little person is incredible and humbling. without cliche, i want to do my best and give the best to this little one.

look at this, modesty/fashion rant to follow someday

www.beautifullymodest.com

this site is full of really stylish and beautiful gowns for formal events and weddings... i wish i'd known about it ages ago. it apparently is a company run by members of the LDS church, who tend to be far more circumspect about dressing modestly than many other faith groups.

as someone who really loves design, fashion and beautiful things, i've struggled with being clear on my own stance about personal modesty. as a young woman raised to christianity, i think it's incredibly important that my whole being (physical + spiritual) not counteract the message i want to convey. it's always surprised me to find that there are so many people who i consider like-minded who obviously throw the modesty angle right out the window when dressing for "occasions".

more on this later, for now enjoy the pretties.

heartsick

there are times when i think, know, that i must sound downright angry and negative. i like to say that culture shock has never worn off for me as a missions kid. i don't know if it's just that. i want to credit some of how i react to the culture around me to my family and mentors who modeled a life that is simple, focused and noble. mine is not necessarily any of those things, which may be why i get heartsick.

money is on my mind. the past ten years of my life, the ones that comprise my adult life, have been filled with mis-steps and misadventures... they've been full of good too... but many of the challenges i've had seem to be rooted at times in poorly thought out financial decisions. i've gotten good at getting out of jams, i've learned how to talk to collectors, i've found out ways to set up payment plans and defer loan payments, i've learned how to avoid and how to get by without things that really ought to come first.

and i'm discovering my story is not that rare. but it makes me sick.

i wasn't raised to be materialistic... however, even with the best of intentions to avoid "worldly" influence, i've been seduced by the "need" for a cell phone plan, the "wisdom" of building credit, and a slew of other things. i've chosen to get a new outfit over saving that same money toward the mounting student loan payments that are always in the back of my mind.

do you know what i mean?

eric and i are starting something big. we have no illusions that this will be easy. we want to be debt free in 3 to 5 years. i have more student loan debt than anyone with a mere BA should have, and various and sundry post college debts we've accrued that in the end were not necessary if we had just said no to ourselves. our recent trip to and from tennessee was encouraging. we budgeted. the envelope system. and the way there and back, i read dave ramsey out loud. i cried. we talked. and we got excited about tackling something that we have seen eat at people we love and respect all our lives.

today was not easy for my sweet husband. he had to argue his way through a payment plan with the cell phone company. we cancelled our plan but had termination fees and past due stuff they charged us for. before he got on the phone, he decided how much we could pay _right now_ to take care of this. he stuck to it, and that is what he did in the end. it took an hour of bouncing between four or so customer service reps before they got it through their heads that we weren't going to be guilted into rash and sudden commitments of money we don't have (ie. credit cards or, can't someone loan you the money right now?) i am so proud of him, but this experience made him feel 2 feet tall.

what is wrong with us?

someone tries to be honest and only use the means they have at their disposal to take responsibility for something - and that person is made to feel foolish, irresponsible and small. don't get me wrong, we haven't managed all our finances well, but we are taking action to fix that and instead of applause we get rotten tomatoes.

yeah.

and then i visit with friends and family who are happily putting down plastic for new iphones or choosing to extend their direct tv package. their kids' favorite things to do are go shopping at target or eat at mcdonalds... they don't know what it's like to not have cable or to plan ahead enough so they can share a car anymore.

these are the choices we celebrate in america. why?

these are the choices we celebrate as people of faith - why? what happened to the lilies of the field, and the sparrows? where is my treasure supposed to be buried again? i am horrified when i see teenagers expect such luxuries like their own car, a cell phone, a computer of their own... i'm sure they thank their parents, but what did their parents have to do to pay for those things? do those kids have any idea of the value of the things they have? i know i've lost touch with the true value of these things, they won't even have the advantage of ever knowing.

specific pictures come to mind. of young men close to me who have been questioned and criticized for choosing a life of ministry instead of a life of accountancy, or some other "stable" career path. how can anyone criticize a person for choosing to serve others over serving self? if it's in a person's heart to serve the Creator in that way, shouldn't we praise him or her?!

and if i choose to live, for a time, in a humble low income apartment instead of breaking my back to buy a house way before i can afford it, shouldn't you praise me too? if i choose to save the money i could be using to eat out with friends now in order to later live without guilt, a hug and word of encouragement would be so much more welcome than the unspoken criticism that i have felt at times for making a wise choice...

and so, it makes me heartsick when i see our lives wrapped in consumerism to the point that it is difficult for any of us to see straight, but i am hopeful. today, i am hopeful that someday soon i will be able to breathe and not wonder if i can really afford to buy a second gallon of milk at the end of the month. i am hopeful that someday sooner than i know, i will be able to wake up with my child in the mornings and know that we can spend the whole day together without the strain of daycare, work schedules and credit card bills to pay.

and somehow, that makes my heart sigh at the little reliefs along the way, like my husband telling at&t what for.

tv rant, what else is new?

it always surprises me how people of moderate to high intelligence and good morals can easily forfeit all of the above when it comes to their choices of entertainment. at the moment, i am specifically thinking of television and film.

i guess i should mention my "junk food" philosophy for my own viewing choices first. simply put, even the healthiest eaters/consumers on occasion like to indulge in a cheeseburger and milkshake... and the same can be said for any person who generally is choosy about what media and entertainment she consumes. on occasion i watch pointless shows, movies and random you tube videos because they're complete fluff, and then i go about my day hopefully choosing not to binge too long on "19 and Counting" or "LA Ink", to name a couple of my recently odd obsessions...

we all do it, i recognize that. here's what scares me, fellow americans: the obsession.

so, if you didn't know, abc's "lost" recently wrapped up - it sent eric into a binge, watching all of seasons 1- 5 in about oh, a month. he'd never watched it before, and i hadn't past season 3 (i gave up because i had a life at the time) as the end of season 5 approached, we were brain-sick. although it is a fairly good show, i can't imagine being a die-hard fan. i have friends who had parties for the final episode, and posted ridiculous statuses all over fb and the like about it afterwards... people - it's just a show!

that's not to say, however, that if there were a star trek series airing currently that i might not be a little bit obsessed myself - thanks to my dad and grandma, i am a die hard trekkie. BUT! that, of course, is different right?

but here's the really strange thing about current trends in tv that get me frustrated... the sheer gullibility, it seems, of the american public when it comes to these truly awful "reality shows". i know, this rant comes way late - i mean, people were going on about this ten years ago now.

it simply amazes me how intensely some people, who i find to be pleasant and intelligent in every way, choose to identify with the participants and "celebrity hosts" on shows such as "the bachelor", "dancing with the stars", "american idol" (maybe i could identify with dear simon), or my least favorite: "the biggest loser".

again, in my moments of junk food urge tv watching, i will confess to having watched these shows. i will even admit to having looked at the "biggest loser" website in a moment of emotional and existential misery and contemplated becoming a contestant - wow. but thank god - it passed! and the next day, i looked at my wasted hours of watching and cringed in shame.

you know the people i'm talking about. i'm thinking of a couple in their 50's right now who are devout christians, politically conservative, devoted to education and all things good - their favorite show? dancing with the stars. how? how can a person who would never think to wear anything made of lycra and rhinestones, and certainly not anything revealing cleavage or thigh, who would never sponsor a highschool dance or prom, spend a season wondering if the star football player will succeed in learning to do an authentic tango?

or the girls my age, who are certainly their own people, who are not shy to share their opinions and express their dreams of finding partners who respect them someday, who watch "the bachelor" in all its tacky glory, and seem riveted to shows like "sixteen and pregnant"? i am sick at heart when these shows come up in conversation. surely there is something better to spend your time on. surely these lovely and intelligent women can see how shows like this undermine the value of women at large and encourage negative and unhealthy attitudes toward sexual and emotional relationships... aaaagghhhh.

and finally, why i cannot stand "biggest loser" and shows of that ilk. they are marketed as self help, inspiration, and the like, as we see product after product spew from these franchises that are nothing more than sugar water saying it's a magic cure all. these shows take people who have obviously struggled with their physical and sometimes emotional well being, and break them down, exploiting them and putting them through extreme and sometimes life threatening "challenges", in order to produce what we all want: good tv. that's it.

as a woman who has struggled with self image, a bad relationship, and in the last few years - weight gain, i see most of these shows as pure poison. probably of the alcoholic variety - something that goes down smooth, makes you feel good, and then twists it all into pure misery in a very short amount of time. how does any one watch a show like this and not feel completely powerless and worthless? it is bottled false hope. and we ought to know by now, that this is what sells best in our world.

a first attempt

it is another unusually brilliant sunny day in northern italy. the roses and geraniums are profuse and embarassingly bright. it's humid, but not unbearably so. i've walked the dog, managed to take a shower and even prepare a meal. it's more than i've been able to do all week. the house is in disarray, beds unmade and trash piled up and begging to be taken out...

an argument errupts moments after he comes home. i think about it now, and can understand his perspective. he'd worked all day, i'd been home all day - why can't the house be clean? why can't i take care of it, it's not like i'm working?

these memories intrude on my every day life at times. sometimes i can simply push them back and say it's past... they are remnants of a struggle long ago set aside. there are times though, when this and other more searing images press into my heart and i cannot set them back in their place easily.

the prompt for recent remembrances:

an "exchange", as a friend termed it, on my preferred social networking site that stirred up a good question, old feelings, and a desire or prompting to share. although it's been my determination from day one of separation and then divorce from my ex-husband to be open about the difficulties and growth earned from it, i really do not relish sharing deeply. i don't think that i need to.

but it hit me this morning, as i said goodbye to my sweet eric as he left to job hunt once more, that i have reasons to rejoice, and reasons to share, and how will anyone know who i am if i don't tell them why i believe what i believe?

am i an evangelical or what?

so, to the good question:

"stefanie, why are you - the daughter of a couple devoted to christian ministry and fairly conservative and moderate in all respects - a feminist?"

okay, so this is something that i feel - in person or online - that i can never fully answer in one fell swoop. that may change over the years, as i hope age will teach me to be wiser and more concise, but in the meantime i wish to tackle this.

my first answer:

i identify myself as a feminist because it is the right thing for me as a Christian and a woman in my culture to do. like so many things that we come to realize about ourselves in early life, becoming comfortable with saying, "i am a feminist" has been a natural part of recognizing who i am as an individual and that it is something about me that has been there all along.

the old feelings:

are connected to the memories. they are so complex and tangled. many are connected to an attempted marriage that ended in heartbreak, some are connected to the naivete that my young sheltered self had ten years ago, some have been around me as long as i can remember.

- the gut reaction occurred when someone i respect said, "i want nothing to do with feminism... i am content to let my husband lead... and, i don't see the need to vote and don't value my right as a woman to do so..." (these are paraphrased)

- memory: being told that i am "the wife", and i should allow my husband to take care of all major decisions. that i had no right to spend money that was supposed to be "ours", and that because i wasn't working, the only thing i should do is maintain the household. i had no input, and was treated to an array of explosive and abusive remarks if i asked about my husbands whereabouts after work, how money was spent etc.

this experience was created by a legacy of teaching, in example and word, that is not Christ-like in any way and is the result of generations of a simple precedent set: women do not deserve the same rights as me. an implicit, subconscious message that is acted out far more than verbalized.

the abuses i dealt with came from a young angry and confused man who had never seen a healthy marriage of two Christian individuals... and i don't repeat this story to blacken his image, but to say that i have some strong feelings as to why it is important to continue reminding women of their worth. i believe that young men need to see their mothers own who they are, and to be respected and valued as individuals by their mates.

my prompting:

and desire is to explain my stance. i hope it is a stance of many other women with similar backgrounds to mine - those who were raised in a perceived "conservative Christian" atmosphere - and that others might join in the conversation.

so here it is. i believe that feminism is something that can and ought to be embraced by women from all walks. that it is a movement that should be open to all persuasions in the political, religious and lifestyle spectrums. until it is just that, we as women have not won our cause to create a world that is fair and equal for all.

as a Christian, while on this world i have an obligation to stand up for those who have no voice and to protect the sanctity of life around me. i cannot ignore an injustice that affects me so directly.

as the second wave coined it: the personal is political. and for me it intersects with this: the spiritual is personal. i cannot see how the son of God could teach anything that would encourage us to view half of the world as secondary in any way.

this is my start, there will be more. in the meantime, books:

the feminine mystique - betty friedan

faith and feminism: a holy alliance - helen lakelly hunt, Ph.D.

facebook doesn't need to know the minute details of my...

pregnancy.

it's a sunny windy warm kansas afternoon. eric is in wichita for class, and i've had the day off, excellently timed after an arduous but rewarding weekend with the kids we took to LTC. it's taken about 24 hours, but i am finally relaxing.

a decidedly not new observation i'm sure, but: nothing is made easier by being pregnant.

and this new mother to be is having a time adjusting. i suppose it's the whole thing i always come up against - i do not like having my self reliance questioned, taken away, or negated. i worked hard to become happily independent, and have gotten spoiled to the small amount i have.

so when you're not always sure whether you'll be able to stand without getting dizzy, or whether to eat what is put in front of you or run to the restroom politely, and it's just plain hard to "hear" anyone because you're so dang sick, doing things on your own without the awareness of others is out of the question.

yes, i know. my mother's nodding sagely and every person who has ever had a child is rolling out their encyclopedic knowledge of morning sickness cures and fatigue fixes. there is no way to do this quietly, or on your own. not if you have an adorable husband who has a list of baby names a mile long, and are going to the church where your father and mother are ministering. the chances of me holding on to this bit of news and being able to keep my mouth shut until that 20 week ultrasound are none to none.

having a child is one of the things i assumed i would have done long before now, when i was adorable, young and naive. well, it didn't happen that way, and i'm glad for many reasons... mainly because my child's father was meant to be eric and no one else, pretty sure ;) and that this is the first place in my life that i've found to fit any of this in.

despite the fact that i always assumed i'd be the child bearing kind, eventually, i am a basket case at times exhausted in an effort to avoid the unavoidable onslaught of parenthood.

there was a window of about three weeks where i knew i was expecting, and i started to do the research in to cloth diapers, organic cotton onesies, breastfeeding manuals and moses baskets... now i look at my copy of "America's Pregnancy Bible" and that familiar nausea rises. ugh... i can't even ponder baby names for more than 30 seconds without feeling sick.

yes, i am well aware that this will pass. i will reach the nesting, happy, glowy feeling stage and accept the inevitability of baby. i want that, mentally, but i'm not there emotionally. i am thankful beyond thankful that we have this little one with a strong heartbeat and growing popular by the minute nickname ("Peanut" Johnson) we had no idea this time last year that this would be coming so soon, and certainly after the heartbreak of losing our first young pregnancy, this seems unreal and miraculous...

but please, let me think that i am an individual for a little while longer, and insist on putting my own groceries away and getting my own dishes done (when i can) the picture of that little bean of a being with a heartbeat is displayed on my fridge to remind me: this body is not your own... there is an alien inside you... so let me put this together in my own time and wait a little while til you start pointing out every baby you see and asking if i want to know the sex, if we have names picked, whether i'll "stay home" or not...

some things we've known for a while, and some things are set in motion before you know it... like the fact that we will home school, our child will not wear lots of pink or lots of blue until he/she wants to, and that i have no interest in educational tv, store-bought baby food or licensed cartoon character pajamas (stay back sponge bob and disney)...

we'll get there, eventually. in the meantime i'm right here, getting another piece of string cheese and hoping peppermint tea will ward off another tide of seasick.

books of late

things that have gotten me writing and thinking of late:

third culture kids: the experience of growing up among worlds, pollack and van reken

this book is about me, my brothers, my mom, cousins, my husband... anyone who has grown up in a culture that is supposedly "other" to their native one, or has raised children in that atmosphere, should read this. missionary kids, military brats, expats... this book describes the experience of growing up cross culturally, and what blessings and challenges it can bring to your life.

a return to modesty: discovering the lost virtue, shalit

her first book, it's been on my list for ages... brought me lots to chew on. read it.

amazing grace: a vocabulary of faith, norris

you want this one your shelf. if you have ever struggled with the concept of faith and religion... read it, refer to it, it's a good one.

sex god: exploring the endless connections between spirituality and sexuality, bell

sensational title, no? a good easy read, still thought provoking and/or reaffirming.