1 month, 2 weeks, 3 hours ...

i've been in cincinnati for one month.. and 1 week

barefoot in the park has been running for just about 2 weeks

eric is in tucson, 3 hours behind my time zone and million miles away

how is it that i always end up quantifying everything, and yet i really don't like numbers? i will admit there is something satisfying in doing it. i like being able to say that i've been in a relationship with my someone for 11 weeks... nearly 3 months. still unbelievable, still great.

my adjustment to new work and a new place has been a little bumpy, and mostly due to circumstances beyond my control... mostly...

i'm coming to terms with a lot of things about myself lately.

i have a mental disorder... but i can handle it, and actually it makes my life all the more interesting and unique.

because of that disorder, i've put myself into debt through impulse purchases and avoiding my "fiscal" responsibilities in the past.

and then i've not taken care of myself. not really. it all just seems like to much work, to much focus... which at times has been so difficult to muster and so precious that i didn't feel like wasting it on self-discipline ...

now i'm in a better place than i've been in an age, and i'm sure there's still more i'll have to go through before i'm able to say i've dealt with it all... but i am finally feeling like the universe isn't against me after all.

it's nice.

friendships

change. and sometimes when you least expect or want them to...

i'm adjusting to that today. my philosophy has always been on the generous side when it comes to loosing touch or simply loosing real connection with someone. some people are meant to be in your life forever... and some of the people you think are meant to be, simply aren't.

life is what happens while you're making other plans...

it's a simple truth that the minute you choose to take something for granted in this life, it will up and slap you in the face, one way or another. there are a couple of friendships that i have absolutely loved in the past three years of my life, that i simply assumed would remain. that the feelings were mutual, equally distributed, a blessing to both parties...

and now, i feel pushed aside, ignored, forgotten. these are people that i love, and want to look up to and cheer on in their endeavors, their lives... and i don't think they are purposely ignoring me, but it certainly feels like i'm forgotten and faded. they've moved on to the next shiny object. it hurts, i won't lie. i've questioned myself a lot in the past month or two, wondering what it is that has distanced us... some of it just seems like it was inevitable, or that this is just how things need to be right now. what is the use of straining at something that just doesn't work anymore?

life shifts and changes with the light, with each movement, each beat of my heart... i know this, and i count on the fact that through it all god has provided an ever increasing store of those who remain. the worthwhile few who always will stop what they're doing to talk when i need it (they know they can do the same to me), that even though we don't talk on a daily basis, they feel this connection. they are my "kindred spirits", and as Anne observed to Diana... "you know, kindred spirits aren't as rare as i thought they were..."

friendships are blessings, however long they last, and every now and then a kindred spirit shines through and continues to glow and pulse in the hearts of those who love them. right now, i just need to remember those spirits, and how they return the love i feel for them. there are so many faces to love, through friendships, family, romance... and i'm so thankful for each one as they've caused me to grow and become me.

180 degrees

later ...

so, headlines in my life that have flown by in the past two weeks:

SEROQUEL KICKS IN, AND WORK AND LIFE GETS DONE

STEFANIE WHEAT FINISHES HER LAST SEMESTER

STEFANIE WHEAT GRADUATES ...

IAN AND BRITTANY HAVE ADORABLE WEDDING

and, my personal favorite of favorites...

STEFANIE AND ERIC CHANGE THEIR "RELATIONSHIP STATUS"

... which happened, oh, between finishing the semester and graduation.

my face is stuck in smile mode. seriously. after a semester of hellishness and intense emotion, change and lots of little ephiphanies - i am possibly the happiest i've been in about seven years.

school is over, i know what my highs and lows are all about, i'm about to start a job with a real live theatre in downtown cincinnati, and i'm dating my best friend who is just about the most gentle, intelligent, caring, handsome and considerate man i know...

and i'm getting so sappy. all the time. everything is so cute, or so beautiful, or reason to smile instead of mock. it was the most unexpected and beautiful surprise to have my last week in henderson be the first week with this amazing guy.

so many things that seemed so incredibly important have fallen by the wayside. obsessions that just pulled and tugged at my heart, at the back of my mind - they're distant voices and are increasingly less important - in fact they're ridiculous.



happy. not intense out of control happy, but true happy.

note to self

read these in that month of dead time before you get to cincinnati:
- the great gatsby
- a moveable feast
- the feminine mystique

wake

UP!!!

wow, i'm tired. sooooo sleepy. miles to go before i sleep sleepy.

three finals down, one paper, two 2-D projects, and 5 reading responses to go. slowly, i am slowly hacking a way through the jungle with my crazy machete. ha. machete.

my brain is begging for a break at 3pm. i've taken a math final, a bible final and in between have conjured up two works cited pages, nailed down outlines and filled out paragraphs in my little burrow in the back of the library.

i'm so sick of sitting.

there's no time to sleep, and so ... i fear i must indulge in the caffiene.

am i

going to graduate? well... things are looking slightly up-ish. we'll see. 

it doesn't feel like i'm really going anywhere. and yet, i've recieved my letter of agreement from cincy shake and completed every little thing on the list fhu sent in order for me to be able to pick up my cap and gown.

cap and gown.

now, that just sounds ridiculous.

suse and i went and got sonic drinks together, justifying it with, "we won't get to do this for much longer", but neither of us want to believe it. eric and i won't be going to class and chorale anymore, and there's no more voyager left. my money is all tied up  in getting me to cincinnati. my doctor gave me enough samples to tide me over til my health insurance kicks in.

i have a 10 page paper and 2 essays, and about 4 reading responses. if i turn the paper in by wednesday and the history stuff by thursday ...  

maybe i'll be okay.

write, well

i have writer's block when it comes to bible it seems. i've attempted earnestly on many occasions now to write an essay, a 5 page paper, and the mother of all 10 page paper over the last three weeks. and the stress, anxiety or mania monster has come to eat me every time. i'm allergic to bible, sorry god.

okay, so that was slightly blasphemous i suppose... but honestly, that is where i'm at. so far this week, i've been able to make up all but one of my history assignments, make an in-depth power point presentation for lit., and make up three math tests ...

i have to eek these out before the end of the week. it's wednesday.

part of it is that i'm so tired of being in bible-land... part of it is that i am afraid of writing for this professor - the harvard man - and part of it is that until this week i literally felt paralyzed when it came to _any_ of this work.

so maybe typing all this frustration out here will start a writing streak. i need it, desperately. i've read a little, i've thought a little and i've even scribbled outlines. the thing i always hit when it comes to writing thoughtfully about any scripture or doctrine is that i either feel that it's so obvious that i don't need to express it, or that it's so enmeshed in scholarly-lize that i can't understand more than five words.

and all i need to do is find and angle and just start writing. but i don't care. i don't care about these subjects, i tried - i tried to work on a subject that irked me, and came to find out that three others in the class did the same thing. so, of course, now i don't want to do that. you know, i can feel it - i'm running completely out of excuses. this is good. this is really good.

there's so much crap going on for the rest of this week. tomorrow i have to make sure i go to class, make a presentation in lit, and then help with decorating the theatre for spotlight. normally i enjoy spotlight, i look forward to it - right now it's another impediment to my getting things DONE. oh, and then there's the chorale rehearsal that i will miss, again, for our big chapel performance. i should talk to gary about that and tell him i can't do it. i really can't. i don't know the song well, and i haven't earned to privelege of performing it... plus - I HAVE NO TIME!

oh, and then there's friday - chorale performs in chapel, i'll have to make up my last math test over algebra, and make up at least two of the memory verse tests for gardner. by then i need to have turned it at least the essay/outline and the 5 page paper. there, that's a goal, right? in the midst of all this - i need to get to jackson and buy my soon to be sister in law a lingerie shower gift and find food to serve at this gorram shower.

yeah - that's saturday. we have chorale picnic, a must - and something i've looked forward to until like, you know - now. and then this epic lingerie shower that i've felt under duress to arrange. i wanted to... and then there was all this drama around it. gah. stupid.

sunday? church. performance at henderson. 1 acts. the scramble for completion of all sorts of crap before finals...

oh yeah - and then there's 2-D design that i HAVE to salvage. i need to find time to talk to laquita, get a past due project done, buy paper for the final - and then create it before wednesday. in all my free time.

all my free time.

i've worked myself into a state of headache now. all that's left is to write out my master list, own it - then do it.

tomorrow.