this is the week where everything about me comes under question, where it all looms above and in a deep voice demands an account of me.
it does.
it's been this way four years running now. two years ago it paralyzed me, i was miserable, and those who loved me knew it - maybe even those who didn't know me knew it. last year, i pushed through, i demanded of myself a perfection that had yet to be achieved. i was brilliant, i was bold, and i got nine job offers out of that SETC.
this year, i am meeting so many things with different eyes. eyes that are less sad, still knowing, more hopeful. so many things are renewed.
i am determined that, if this week will always hit me over the head with bells and sirens alerting me to all my past sore points, then from here on i will glance up at the deep booming voice, grin, wave and say, "let's talk".
because, i am not afraid of what i once was afraid of. there was a time in my life when i thought god was bringing on me all of my worst fears, and that i would never be whole again and never be "good". someone i respect, who has faced more fear, pointed out this week that fear can turn into faith... and faith is,
"the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."
the hurts happened, they healed slowly, awkwardly, and some still ache when the weather's not right, but they are past tense. they inform my present and future, but they do not define me.
3.16.2009
1.29.2009
o-oh...
good grief.
life is so draining/exhilerating/paused/pressured
full.
costumes for another show... macbeth in the civil war? really?
and dreaming about the design process for the next. the little prince.
my resolve about theatre for this year: do not seek it out for one year, but if it hits you over the head, let it.
ouch. it keeps hitting me, and it's not even february yet.
i'm getting married in exactly 30 days. ... yeah.
overwhelmed. good. overwhelmed.
life is so draining/exhilerating/paused/pressured
full.
costumes for another show... macbeth in the civil war? really?
and dreaming about the design process for the next. the little prince.
my resolve about theatre for this year: do not seek it out for one year, but if it hits you over the head, let it.
ouch. it keeps hitting me, and it's not even february yet.
i'm getting married in exactly 30 days. ... yeah.
overwhelmed. good. overwhelmed.
10.23.2008
unformed and unknowing
i step back into the world and wonder what is ahead. again. i am beginning to think that i will experience multiple reincarnations over a single life span. every year there is a new thing to learn and an old thing to tackle, each day i am awash with glittering and multi-faceted doubts. realizations.
breathing.
breathing more.
so many wants and impulses rush through my veins, pushing through my pores, pressing against my tear ducts and making my throat ache. it's not constant but it is there, available at any time i let things slip. why is everything so turbulent beneath this surface?
do i even need to know why or analyze it?
a discussion last night:
- realizations about how far one person can actually go, actually reach from where we are...
- a feeling that the canvas will never be completely clear again...
- how do i use the errant strokes, how do i incorporate the things that feel like hindrance into something that goes forward?
- control
- it's not the same as self-discipline
- i don't have either, and desire only the latter, not the former
(do you remember when you first figured out the whole latter/former thing? it's still fun to use)
unformed and unknowing, i am thrust forth into the world... i was. some people really have their life all planned out, and seem to achieve each little goal on the way to wherever they're going. that scares me, but i also don't want to endlessly search, continually stab into the darkness, constantly wonder where the other options went... ugh. here's a word i loathe...
balance.
NPR informed me the other day (like it does) of the whole delightful concept: the universe is not symmetrical.
take that balance.
this pleased me in my own little cynical way. the universe isn't balanced, the world isn't balanced... it's tilted right? i'm not completely against symmetry - it has it's moments, but i've never felt completely symmetrical in my life.
well sure, there's a certain amount of pleasing "the circle is now complete" symmetry in my life, that is true... and i like acknowledging those moments with a knowing grin... i look forward to collecting those over a lifetime... but, at the same time - we need a little lopsided-ness, you know?
if everything was balanced and reasoned, i would still be in cincinnati... no wait, i'd have been an education major... no wait, i would never have dropped out of school... no wait.... well, you know.
and, i like my life even with its intensities and uncertainties... i think it forces me to cling and to know and then to see that i don't know, i don't control... and that i am not in the business of making the world's actions even out.
on a mildly different leg of this musing - realizations of late:
- God and i are getting better again.
- i am valuing my family (blood and otherwise) in ways i haven't before
- i am economically prone, and completely undisciplined financially
- there is no way i could not be a feminist, and i like that
- women's history, and anthropology make me happy happy happy
- eric is good. so good.
- i'm not sure what will happen next, but i am on the way to it, and i like how every thing is unfolding, even though some days are really difficult
and i just can't seem to control myself grammatically.
oh and:
- writing is good, so good, it feels good and... i want to do more of it
so, to sum up - the universe is asymmetrical, words and writing are beautiful, God gets that i'm stubborn and i love not knowing everything. yes.
breathing.
breathing more.
so many wants and impulses rush through my veins, pushing through my pores, pressing against my tear ducts and making my throat ache. it's not constant but it is there, available at any time i let things slip. why is everything so turbulent beneath this surface?
do i even need to know why or analyze it?
a discussion last night:
- realizations about how far one person can actually go, actually reach from where we are...
- a feeling that the canvas will never be completely clear again...
- how do i use the errant strokes, how do i incorporate the things that feel like hindrance into something that goes forward?
- control
- it's not the same as self-discipline
- i don't have either, and desire only the latter, not the former
(do you remember when you first figured out the whole latter/former thing? it's still fun to use)
unformed and unknowing, i am thrust forth into the world... i was. some people really have their life all planned out, and seem to achieve each little goal on the way to wherever they're going. that scares me, but i also don't want to endlessly search, continually stab into the darkness, constantly wonder where the other options went... ugh. here's a word i loathe...
balance.
NPR informed me the other day (like it does) of the whole delightful concept: the universe is not symmetrical.
take that balance.
this pleased me in my own little cynical way. the universe isn't balanced, the world isn't balanced... it's tilted right? i'm not completely against symmetry - it has it's moments, but i've never felt completely symmetrical in my life.
well sure, there's a certain amount of pleasing "the circle is now complete" symmetry in my life, that is true... and i like acknowledging those moments with a knowing grin... i look forward to collecting those over a lifetime... but, at the same time - we need a little lopsided-ness, you know?
if everything was balanced and reasoned, i would still be in cincinnati... no wait, i'd have been an education major... no wait, i would never have dropped out of school... no wait.... well, you know.
and, i like my life even with its intensities and uncertainties... i think it forces me to cling and to know and then to see that i don't know, i don't control... and that i am not in the business of making the world's actions even out.
on a mildly different leg of this musing - realizations of late:
- God and i are getting better again.
- i am valuing my family (blood and otherwise) in ways i haven't before
- i am economically prone, and completely undisciplined financially
- there is no way i could not be a feminist, and i like that
- women's history, and anthropology make me happy happy happy
- eric is good. so good.
- i'm not sure what will happen next, but i am on the way to it, and i like how every thing is unfolding, even though some days are really difficult
and i just can't seem to control myself grammatically.
oh and:
- writing is good, so good, it feels good and... i want to do more of it
so, to sum up - the universe is asymmetrical, words and writing are beautiful, God gets that i'm stubborn and i love not knowing everything. yes.
9.20.2008
since last we met
as usual, much has happened. much has changed.
on the fantastically fabulous side: I'M ENGAGED!!!
and feel wonderfully gloriously happy and RIGHT about it all! i am so blessed, and he is so good, and we are so good for eachother and so... real. i like it, and i know deep in my bones that we can make this work and that God will bless us with such a good life together.
on the ridiculously dissapointing and depressing side: i quit my job.
yes, my first out of school theatre job - boo. and it makes me sad, and it makes me question me, but then i also know this is the right choice on multiple levels. i preface it all with, it's a great company but:
- it's not the right place or position for me right now
- i'm not doing _anything_ i want to do, now or ever
- i was promised things that have not materialized
- i need to be closer to my fiance as we prepare for marriage
- i am not healthy here, i am emotionally, spiritually and socially miserable
- i can earn more working retail for a while and pay off debts before heading BACK to school
and every day i think of something new. it's gotten to the point at work where i feel sick constantly, like i'm going to just snap and lose it sometimes... it isn't a difficult or complicated job, it's just combination of all the things i really don't want to do, or care about doing.
i need to care.
so... i will find something i care about, and do that, when God shows it to me. in the mean time, i will work hard at getting the little loose ends of my life tied up as much as they can be... and focus the now stuff.
i'm ready - so ready, to stop this moving around, and this uncertain phase of my life... i'm ready for a little tiny tiny bit of stability. and more moments with eric, who is wonderful and full of surprises and sweet things. he is better every time i see him, and i feel so loved, and so on the same page with him. how did i get this lucky?
on the fantastically fabulous side: I'M ENGAGED!!!
and feel wonderfully gloriously happy and RIGHT about it all! i am so blessed, and he is so good, and we are so good for eachother and so... real. i like it, and i know deep in my bones that we can make this work and that God will bless us with such a good life together.
on the ridiculously dissapointing and depressing side: i quit my job.
yes, my first out of school theatre job - boo. and it makes me sad, and it makes me question me, but then i also know this is the right choice on multiple levels. i preface it all with, it's a great company but:
- it's not the right place or position for me right now
- i'm not doing _anything_ i want to do, now or ever
- i was promised things that have not materialized
- i need to be closer to my fiance as we prepare for marriage
- i am not healthy here, i am emotionally, spiritually and socially miserable
- i can earn more working retail for a while and pay off debts before heading BACK to school
and every day i think of something new. it's gotten to the point at work where i feel sick constantly, like i'm going to just snap and lose it sometimes... it isn't a difficult or complicated job, it's just combination of all the things i really don't want to do, or care about doing.
i need to care.
so... i will find something i care about, and do that, when God shows it to me. in the mean time, i will work hard at getting the little loose ends of my life tied up as much as they can be... and focus the now stuff.
i'm ready - so ready, to stop this moving around, and this uncertain phase of my life... i'm ready for a little tiny tiny bit of stability. and more moments with eric, who is wonderful and full of surprises and sweet things. he is better every time i see him, and i feel so loved, and so on the same page with him. how did i get this lucky?
8.11.2008
closing
closed my first show here this weekend. i'm ready to move on from neil simon ... next up, peter shaffer's amadeus. yay.
but before i dive deep into that, i'm taking a little breather. eric is arriving in ohio on thursday, and i am very much ready to see him. we've spent more time apart during this dating thing than we have together. tucson is entirely too far away, and tennessee is only marginally better.
it's been nearly two months since i arrive in cincy. in some ways i feel i've been here longer, in other ways i still feel like i'm going back to school in a couple of weeks and that this is all just temporary.
but it's not.
and this year, perhaps the first of many (a few?) in cincinnati is my time to get this whole living a balanced, responsible life right. i feel like there's so much ahead of me, so much good is possible. there's also good now, but i'm still clearing the cobwebs away from years of ups and downs, and hiding from myself and what i need to do, and who i need to be.
lots of reading about bp going on right now, i had a scary time about a month ago. a mixed episode on the verge of mania, half a day spent in the E.R. in order to get meds, and to get sorted. on opening night. not the way i wanted to spend my time, and then it was. i knew it was coming, i let my meds run out, and i was pushing myself to get things done, and nervous as heck about my new job, and what everyone thought of me. paranoia was beginning to rear its ugly head.
so, i'm trying to get a handle on all of it. i still have moments of serious doubt about the diagnosis. can't i just be an intense, creative, highly strung person? can't i live without the drugs?
i'm on a waiting list for therapy at a clinic with a sliding scale... that's good. in the meantime, i fill my brain with books and good thoughts. i may even go to a support group meeting this week... maybe.
and the job is good. i've realized i can't do just this for very long in theatre... i want something more creative to sink my teeth into. i miss rehearsal. i miss research. i miss running lines, and pulling costumes, and scribbling down blocking. i can do so much, and then i also feel like i can do so little. i'm praying that some door will open, even a small opportunity, to prove myself, to make something, to create.
but this is a good place to be, and i can only see it getting better.
but before i dive deep into that, i'm taking a little breather. eric is arriving in ohio on thursday, and i am very much ready to see him. we've spent more time apart during this dating thing than we have together. tucson is entirely too far away, and tennessee is only marginally better.
it's been nearly two months since i arrive in cincy. in some ways i feel i've been here longer, in other ways i still feel like i'm going back to school in a couple of weeks and that this is all just temporary.
but it's not.
and this year, perhaps the first of many (a few?) in cincinnati is my time to get this whole living a balanced, responsible life right. i feel like there's so much ahead of me, so much good is possible. there's also good now, but i'm still clearing the cobwebs away from years of ups and downs, and hiding from myself and what i need to do, and who i need to be.
lots of reading about bp going on right now, i had a scary time about a month ago. a mixed episode on the verge of mania, half a day spent in the E.R. in order to get meds, and to get sorted. on opening night. not the way i wanted to spend my time, and then it was. i knew it was coming, i let my meds run out, and i was pushing myself to get things done, and nervous as heck about my new job, and what everyone thought of me. paranoia was beginning to rear its ugly head.
so, i'm trying to get a handle on all of it. i still have moments of serious doubt about the diagnosis. can't i just be an intense, creative, highly strung person? can't i live without the drugs?
i'm on a waiting list for therapy at a clinic with a sliding scale... that's good. in the meantime, i fill my brain with books and good thoughts. i may even go to a support group meeting this week... maybe.
and the job is good. i've realized i can't do just this for very long in theatre... i want something more creative to sink my teeth into. i miss rehearsal. i miss research. i miss running lines, and pulling costumes, and scribbling down blocking. i can do so much, and then i also feel like i can do so little. i'm praying that some door will open, even a small opportunity, to prove myself, to make something, to create.
but this is a good place to be, and i can only see it getting better.
7.25.2008
1 month, 2 weeks, 3 hours ...
i've been in cincinnati for one month.. and 1 week
barefoot in the park has been running for just about 2 weeks
eric is in tucson, 3 hours behind my time zone and million miles away
how is it that i always end up quantifying everything, and yet i really don't like numbers? i will admit there is something satisfying in doing it. i like being able to say that i've been in a relationship with my someone for 11 weeks... nearly 3 months. still unbelievable, still great.
my adjustment to new work and a new place has been a little bumpy, and mostly due to circumstances beyond my control... mostly...
i'm coming to terms with a lot of things about myself lately.
i have a mental disorder... but i can handle it, and actually it makes my life all the more interesting and unique.
because of that disorder, i've put myself into debt through impulse purchases and avoiding my "fiscal" responsibilities in the past.
and then i've not taken care of myself. not really. it all just seems like to much work, to much focus... which at times has been so difficult to muster and so precious that i didn't feel like wasting it on self-discipline ...
now i'm in a better place than i've been in an age, and i'm sure there's still more i'll have to go through before i'm able to say i've dealt with it all... but i am finally feeling like the universe isn't against me after all.
it's nice.
barefoot in the park has been running for just about 2 weeks
eric is in tucson, 3 hours behind my time zone and million miles away
how is it that i always end up quantifying everything, and yet i really don't like numbers? i will admit there is something satisfying in doing it. i like being able to say that i've been in a relationship with my someone for 11 weeks... nearly 3 months. still unbelievable, still great.
my adjustment to new work and a new place has been a little bumpy, and mostly due to circumstances beyond my control... mostly...
i'm coming to terms with a lot of things about myself lately.
i have a mental disorder... but i can handle it, and actually it makes my life all the more interesting and unique.
because of that disorder, i've put myself into debt through impulse purchases and avoiding my "fiscal" responsibilities in the past.
and then i've not taken care of myself. not really. it all just seems like to much work, to much focus... which at times has been so difficult to muster and so precious that i didn't feel like wasting it on self-discipline ...
now i'm in a better place than i've been in an age, and i'm sure there's still more i'll have to go through before i'm able to say i've dealt with it all... but i am finally feeling like the universe isn't against me after all.
it's nice.
5.26.2008
friendships
change. and sometimes when you least expect or want them to...
i'm adjusting to that today. my philosophy has always been on the generous side when it comes to loosing touch or simply loosing real connection with someone. some people are meant to be in your life forever... and some of the people you think are meant to be, simply aren't.
life is what happens while you're making other plans...
it's a simple truth that the minute you choose to take something for granted in this life, it will up and slap you in the face, one way or another. there are a couple of friendships that i have absolutely loved in the past three years of my life, that i simply assumed would remain. that the feelings were mutual, equally distributed, a blessing to both parties...
and now, i feel pushed aside, ignored, forgotten. these are people that i love, and want to look up to and cheer on in their endeavors, their lives... and i don't think they are purposely ignoring me, but it certainly feels like i'm forgotten and faded. they've moved on to the next shiny object. it hurts, i won't lie. i've questioned myself a lot in the past month or two, wondering what it is that has distanced us... some of it just seems like it was inevitable, or that this is just how things need to be right now. what is the use of straining at something that just doesn't work anymore?
life shifts and changes with the light, with each movement, each beat of my heart... i know this, and i count on the fact that through it all god has provided an ever increasing store of those who remain. the worthwhile few who always will stop what they're doing to talk when i need it (they know they can do the same to me), that even though we don't talk on a daily basis, they feel this connection. they are my "kindred spirits", and as Anne observed to Diana... "you know, kindred spirits aren't as rare as i thought they were..."
friendships are blessings, however long they last, and every now and then a kindred spirit shines through and continues to glow and pulse in the hearts of those who love them. right now, i just need to remember those spirits, and how they return the love i feel for them. there are so many faces to love, through friendships, family, romance... and i'm so thankful for each one as they've caused me to grow and become me.
i'm adjusting to that today. my philosophy has always been on the generous side when it comes to loosing touch or simply loosing real connection with someone. some people are meant to be in your life forever... and some of the people you think are meant to be, simply aren't.
life is what happens while you're making other plans...
it's a simple truth that the minute you choose to take something for granted in this life, it will up and slap you in the face, one way or another. there are a couple of friendships that i have absolutely loved in the past three years of my life, that i simply assumed would remain. that the feelings were mutual, equally distributed, a blessing to both parties...
and now, i feel pushed aside, ignored, forgotten. these are people that i love, and want to look up to and cheer on in their endeavors, their lives... and i don't think they are purposely ignoring me, but it certainly feels like i'm forgotten and faded. they've moved on to the next shiny object. it hurts, i won't lie. i've questioned myself a lot in the past month or two, wondering what it is that has distanced us... some of it just seems like it was inevitable, or that this is just how things need to be right now. what is the use of straining at something that just doesn't work anymore?
life shifts and changes with the light, with each movement, each beat of my heart... i know this, and i count on the fact that through it all god has provided an ever increasing store of those who remain. the worthwhile few who always will stop what they're doing to talk when i need it (they know they can do the same to me), that even though we don't talk on a daily basis, they feel this connection. they are my "kindred spirits", and as Anne observed to Diana... "you know, kindred spirits aren't as rare as i thought they were..."
friendships are blessings, however long they last, and every now and then a kindred spirit shines through and continues to glow and pulse in the hearts of those who love them. right now, i just need to remember those spirits, and how they return the love i feel for them. there are so many faces to love, through friendships, family, romance... and i'm so thankful for each one as they've caused me to grow and become me.
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