on the horizon

my favorite has always been looking forward, my downfall is often reminiscing... or really, dwelling on past hurts.

but i'm at a fresh point in my life, who knows if it will happen again: i can look back up to 5 (count them, five!) years and not feel overwhelmed with sadness. the good seemed to start outweighing the bad again in 2006 i guess. it's not that the last five years have always been easy or that i managed to avoid any big mistakes... i scraped through college, made difficult choices with mixed results, but i also was refreshed spiritually, challenged to become a whole woman of my own, i met the love i never thought i'd have and gave birth to the most beautiful little girl i could ever lay my eyes on.

and when i look forward i anticipate the challenges and think of them as things that may be hard, i may balk, but they are things that will shape us as a family and as individuals. we have a load of student loan debt: we can get through it, and faster than we think. we have a child to raise: i know we'll have days and weeks, but i just can't think of anything better then being ez's mother. i have a health/weight issue that i MUST conquer: i can. please remind of that and tell me to give myself some grace when i need it.

the horizon is endless possibility... and the waters around me are not engulfing me but welcoming me and allowing me passage.

these are things i am anticipating right now, the gleam in the corners of my mind and approach in their own times...

- continued motherhood
she'll be one in three months. we cannot believe how it has flown by and marvel at how different she will be in another year.
- my thirties
seriously. i am looking forward to this next decade and all that it brings. my twenties were good but strange and sad at times... i'm ready for this time in my life where i am and adult, a wife and mother, and who knows what else!
- a marriage that gets better with time
this is one of those things that never gets easier but it's been fun from the start. i am so blessed to have someone who cherishes me no matter how crazy i am ;)
- seeing eric develop as a teacher and minister
he is always surprising me.
- mom and i may be writing a book this year
more on that in another post
- all the unexpected stuff
bring it on.

long distance

we're going where? and without grandma and grandpa?

this is our first day with internet in exactly one month. we've been glued to our phones and fb mobile - alas! my daughter has jealousy issues with my phone now. pretty sure. considering the fact that we are now a one-car family in a new city, i am incredibly thankful that we're able to afford internet at home. i was beginning to feel a wee bit isolated, despite our planned "car days", walks and getting plugged into a great church... the daily routine is so silent! well, not silent when your donna ezri's mom, but... unvaried ;)

and besides all that - we have two sets of long distance grandparents and various relatives who are demanding skype time! my in-laws are now living in belgium for the next two years, and my parents received an exciting call to be Missionaries-in-Residence at freed-hardeman university and are arriving in henderson today. there has been a lot of change for the fam this summer... eric's parents, my parents, my baby brother and we have all moved in the last two months! and good things are happening.

over the course of our prep and move, we encountered remarks about the distance that we would now have to span to see family. i realize we all feel this differently because of our own upbringings and perspectives but it surprised me many times to be reminded that others do not see every change as a God-given, God-driven thing.

i've had the privilege of knowing my sweet husband's family for the past four years now, and have marveled at the changes they face every time the military re-assigns my dad-in-law and the facility with which my mom-in-law organizes each move. i'm also always amazed at how much the government takes care of our service members in aiding the moving process - compared to how preaching/missions families have to do it - wow! 

i wrote a post inspired by their move a little while back, so i won't delve too deeply into it except to muse on the whole long-distance family relationships and the opportunities God gives us...

today i'm thinking about the challenges and opportunities that my in laws will have - to learn about and communicate with multiple cultures and to be the godly and loving witnesses they are wherever they go... 

i'm thinking of my mom and dad and the adventure they are embarking upon. they've left a loving church family who sent them off with joy and tears and are about to go somewhere that has been a place to recharge and connect... a place where they will now be a source of encouragement and inspiration for students and those headed to the mission field. 

i'm thinking of my brother and sister in law who have grown so much in the past few years as a couple, as christians and now as wonderful parents... they haven't moved far, just into a house that fits them, but i know they are using it to build others up already.

and us. mainly eric. this feels like the first place we get to be our own little family. we were blessed with a good house before we even got here, the school and church eric is working with has been warm and welcoming and perfect starting point for his teaching career. each little challenge (and they've all been little) and decision we've needed to make in the midst of the move, settling and starting work, i've marveled at my love and how much he's grown, how he is an excellent daddy, how he puts our needs first. he is using every opportunity God gives him to grow and to help others. 

in brussels, in henderson, in fort worth, in macon... and so many, many other places where our hearts have gone, the links grow bright and strong because He is using us, if we let him. 

there is a lot more i want to write. i'm hoping to start posting *at least* once a week now that we are settled. til then - cheers!

change of address

i don't know how many of those forms i've filled out ... it feels like hundreds when it might only be twenty. so, on July 18th or so, i'll go grab a couple at the post office and fill them out once more. change of address, winfield kansas to macon georgia.

and this is our house! my wonderful aunt and cousin went house-hunting this week for us and took a burden off my shoulders. i was looking forward to the hunting, but not the time constraints of doing it in a couple of days and timing everything just right. it's a little rancher, built in the sixties, a little worn but good bones... our realtor/landlord is renovating the bathroom and refinishing the hardwood floors, and i am arranging and rearranging our furniture over and over again with the little floor plan sally drew for us.

it's nice to have something to dream on and it will be even nicer to settle. i'm ready for quiet evenings and weekends spent on the deck watching baby play in her pool, for getting up with my husband and daughter every morning in our own home and having meals around our table. i'm ready to get to know people at a new church, at the school eric will be working at, and in the homeschool groups ...

i am ready for this change.

between getting our lease (we are renting, nowhere near buying!) sorted and eric meeting with his advisor this week about his thesis, a little relief is hitting us. and so tomorrow, i am actually going to pack everything we don't absolutely need in the next 18 days so that we can enjoy our last couple of weeks in kansas!

gridlock

we're moving in ... about a month now. eric was offered a job at Middle Georgia Christian School in macon, and we are relieved, excited and nervous about well, everything. when we were waiting to hear whether he had an official offer from the school or not, we laid out potential household budgets, looked at rental houses and apartments, i made an "action plan" for the next two months so that we could save for the cross-country move... and waited.

things are good. they're inching along, and my usual struggle with staying in the present has reared it's familiar head. i've been living on craigslist and apartmentguide.com ... and scheming over air tran tickets to atlanta ... but we've still got a few things to do here. a garage sale, packing, finishing up our moving fund, and oh yeah - eric is waiting to defend a thesis. and all i can think is, can it be the end of july now, please?

my heart and brain are in a mental gridlock... i wanted to say limbo but, that actually is not active enough, not tense and happy and nervous and anxious enough. eric and i frequently look at each other of a day and say, "i'm happy, really happy, but so stressed."... i know, this too shall pass.

so, to pass the time when i realize i'm not going to be able to secure the ideal housing arrangement until we're closer to july, or when i worry about eric and the thesis, these are things i do:

pinterest.com
- nothing like looking at pretties to soothe my soul, and i like filing away pictures of hanging beds and earthships for my future use ;)

minimalist mom
- i can't remember which thing i was following on FB that linked me to her, but i love this woman's blog and the concept of living quality over quantity. it speaks to this anti packrat's soul. i can't wait for our garage sale this weekend. i've been slowly culling our already packed boxes that have been living in mom and dad's storage room. it's not that we have a lot to begin with but... why do we hold on to things that we know perfectly well we'll never use again?

la leche league
- yeah, i know i'm turning into a lactivist nut. i don't care. and remember, everyone is louder and more obnoxious on the internet ;) i've been able this past month to help organize a LLL booth at our local farmer's market (baby can eat green and local too!) in hopes that we can let women know what resources are available to them locally. it's been fun, and nourishes my "stage manager's" soul.

and, the best: my daughter

- need i say anything else? things are way better down on the floor with her, learning to crawl, giggling at her father's face, and right now laying on grandma's neck pillow and staring at sesame street.

so, i'll keep breathing deep, trying to get the tension out of my jaw, and enjoying the blessings right in front of me until time takes care of the traffic jam in my brain.

north america's newest endangered species...

Ezri and Mommy, nursing at 3 months...

America's newest endangered species? The breastfeeding human mother.

It's been on my heart a lot since I've become a mother. It's something I'm nervous to have my typical "rant" over - though it's most worthy of many rants - because I really want people to listen. Recently, a sweet friend of mine blogged about her experience with public breastfeeding at a zoo, she said she felt like she was on display along with the animals as groups of elementary school students looked at her with the same curiosity they have for the monkey exhibit. Along with that, I have read or skimmed soooo many blogs and online mag articles that are purposely built to stir up opinion, put people on the defense (or offense), and just generate mean spirited judgemental gossip. I hate this.

I have a beautiful six month old daughter. She is breastfed. I love, love, love being able to give her sustenance like this, physically and emotionally. This relationship is precious and fills me with awe at how my body can sustain another... our connection didn't stop at birth, it blossomed and grew into the next phase just as nature intended. It is a start to a lifelong relationship that will not end when she is weaned. I am blessed to be able to bond with my baby this way, and all that I could ever desire for any new mom is a chance to do the same with her babe because I know how wonderful it is.

Some people I have encountered seem to think/express/imply in their statements and reaction to those of us who are vocal about "lactivism" or just about the plain old mom to mom help with the mechanics of nursing that it is something that should be completely private and definitely should take place behind closed doors. I have so many problems with this. And I could go on and on about rights and parenting choices and the need for support and so on... but let me just say this from my particular perch:

I am a nursing mom, and I choose to live a life that takes me outside the boundaries of my home on a daily basis... I want my baby to live in the world and experience it just as I do. She gains her nourishment from me, in a completely natural way that has existed since man and womankind were created. Our culture has lost that knowledge, and we are wealthy enough that even the poorest families can afford to buy (sometimes with "subsidies") bottles and formula... I am not telling anyone else that this is "wrong". I am asking you to support me by allowing me to breastfeed my baby anywhere with the same freedom that a mom or dad has to feed their baby with a bottle. The only way we can reclaim this wholesome, completely modest and beautiful act in our society is to allow it to happen without shame or fear of negative reactions.

It has genuinely surprised me to see some of the awkward and downright snobby reactions of my peers at times when it comes to this "issue" that should not be an issue at all. Perhaps part of this is my complete culture shock as an African kid. Yes, I may have pale skin, but I grew up in a setting where it was so normal to breastfeed in public that growing up I didn't think twice about seeing an exposed breast... how else were those babies supposed to eat? Again, I could get in to all sorts of stuff about how ridiculous it is that we as a nation have such a low success rate with nursing past the first two months, and that we need to educate and live it and so on... but, as a person of faith I've been thinking a lot about this.

How do I "witness" to others in an open, non-angry, approachable way about my beliefs as a breastfeeding, natural parenting mom? My sister-in-law sent a link to this shirt the other day, and it made me laugh:

Maybe that's how I'll do it. Honestly, I'm not sure... all I know is that it has truly and deeply worried this mama's soul to see how "up in arms" people get about this. As a believer, I feel like it's important to "live at peace with everyone"(Romans 12:18).

Of course, here's the whole verse: 

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

Now, you scholarly types can go to town on my interpretation and application here, but I guess I read this:

"Now Stefanie, if it's POSSIBLE, you need to make every effort to live at peace with others, BUT this depends on you and if they make it IMPOSSIBLE well, peacefully, lovingly, stand up for what you know is right."

Like I said, I'm no scholar, just the daughter of one. But here's my own bottom line: if you want to have a conversation with me about breastfeeding, it will be one that is passionate, well-informed, exciting and as diplomatic and loving as possible. Believe, this is HARD, because the plain truth is I have felt incredibly isolated in my choice to nurse my child exclusively, to do it until she is ready to wean and not before, and to actively and vocally participate in a local mother to mother support group because I believe it's necessary. I have felt defensive and judged and misunderstood all at the same time. But like I said, it's my determination that no matter what the other tiger-mothers and breastfeeding nazis do out there, I will live at peace with you and continue my membership in the endangered species club.

life lines love lines

these days we seem to have one foot planted in the present and one aimed or already in the future, whatever it may look like. it's april, spring is here, eric is so close (and yet so far) to finishing grad school and we are on the job hunt. i fall asleep at night and during stolen 15 minute naptimes, dreaming of a little house and how i will arrange our furniture... i think about our backyard, and putting up a clothesline and whether we'll have a spot for my much longed-for hammock.

it's not that we're unhappy here... we have too much going on to not be in the here and now, with baby and church obligations, school and the like we have enough to do and pleasant people to do it with. we've been fairly blessed in the past two years with chances to grow as a couple and have i have enjoyed watching my husband turn into an excellent teacher and public speaker who cares about what he's sharing and is always taking what's challenging him and turning it into something good.

but we're so ready to settle.

since we married, i've felt like we've been on the job hunt in a sense. we have been blessed with employment no matter what, and a roof over our heads and food to eat, but it's all been with the knowledge that we're in a transitional period (again). it's taught us to look to eachother for a lot, and it's taught us to be content whatever the circumstance... but being in limbo does take it's toll on the heart.

especially when you're a new mom and you would just like to know what it's like to have a place of your own again... we are so, so blessed to be renting with mom and dad. we love the "communal" living and would not have it any other way... but even though eric and i grew up with lots of moving around and temporary living situations, we are both home-bodies that like having space to call our own. aren't we spoiled?

lately we've reminded each other of our missions kid/military brat tendencies to start detaching from our surroundings in anticipation of a move - even when we don't know where we're going next - so that it won't be as "difficult" to leave. don't get me wrong, we loved our respective growing up years and what it's given us as adults... but there are always signs that the itch for change is approaching.

i've always marveled at people who have grown up in the same town, the same county, and live their adult lives in a ten mile radius. we go out of state almost once a month at times. i've been thinking about this a lot lately because of our little bit. she is already becoming quite the road tripper with visiting family in tennessee at three weeks and great-grands and a brand new cousin in texas too. ezri has already been to five "ladies' days" at various churches in the area and heard her grandma speak three of those times.

i don't know how to do it any other way.

next year, we'll be visiting family overseas too. i can't wait. ez will probably not remember a lick of it, but she will know her entire life that when she was around a year and a half old she visited another country. i had a passport by the time i was a month old, eric doesn't know anything really about the town he was born it - it was just a stop in his dad's pilot training - but he remembers vividly so many towns and new faces and experiences... it's made us both people who are determined to relate to anyone, anywhere... to be open to new places and things, and to deeply appreciate family relationships and friendships that go beyond physical location.

some people are blessed to have relatives close by and tightly knit communities where everyone remembers your first steps and what you looked like at twelve. there are all sorts of stories and beautiful intimacies in that kind of life. lately, i have been thinking about the blessings i've had growing up with a tightly knit family and community - despite long distance.

i have memories of my nine year old self on our sunny veranda in mutare, giddily opening up care packages from my granma. real cheerios, a lego set for my brother, new episodes of star trek:tng on VHS and even a new package of underwear was exciting. these packages were not life lines to us in deepest darkest africa. africa was home. but they were love lines. the thin blue paper of air mail letters and the memories of last trips to granma's or auntie's filled our minds and we knew we were loved deeply.

we've talked a lot about where life will lead us, now that eric's the one who will be taking a job and well, we will/have to go anywhere. we've always been open to whatever that means, a lousiana bayou, a northern prairie or a high rise apartment in dubai... some people in my life recently have remarked on the importance of having grandparents near by while raising their children. i had the best of both worlds at different points in my childhood, with one set of grandparents on the mission field with us and the other set in the states but willing and able to visit us... it is a definite blessing to have family near but it not the end of the world to have them far away.

by growing up with long distance family, i learned early about goodbyes and hellos. i learned the value of real quality time with the people i love. i understood that there were people who knew me and loved me halfway around the world and that i was encircled in prayer no matter where i went. i knew that home was not a place, it was a family, and that family remained in my heart whether i was in johannesburg, south africa or abilene, texas.


ezri may have the blessing of grandparents two miles or two thousand miles away but she will always have the knowledge that she is deeply loved and will always have opportunities to listen and learn from the wisdom our parents have to give her... down the love lines.

another letter...

this was initially a guest post submission for a blog i follow... i initially thought it didn't make the cut, but i was wrong (thanks Gina!) ... look for it on The Feminist Breeder this Thursday, April 14.

For Donna Ezri:

Itʼs a warm spring day, the Kansas wind nearly knocked me over this morning while I was sliding you into the Moby wrap to go shopping. You are four months and five days old and your father and I are besotted with you.

Whenever you read this, I hope that you know that to your core. My prayer, with every breath as we sit and nurse in the glow of lamplight or as you lay on the floor rolling and squealing with delight and discovery, is that you will always know you are loved and worthy of it.

A few days ago I decided to write this letter for you. Itʼs gone through many drafts and stops and starts since then. There is so much, a universe I want to guide you through, so much I want to make sure you know. When I see the light and joy behind your eyes, and (already!) the anger and determination there too, I wonder how I am ever going to keep up with you and everything you need.

I have no idea what might transpire between the time that I look at you now and when you read this letter. I do know myself, and your dad, and what we are determined to give you... The things we want to teach you are really detailed and really nebulous... Love and understanding of the world around you, and ability to put yourself in the place of others and be willing to do whatever you can to help them... Passion for doing what is right, and determination to stand by your beliefs and be able to explain them without alienating others but opening their minds and hopefully opening your own.

When I think of the you that will read this letter, I see a bright and determined redheaded beauty, maybe 20 years old - maybe 16... and I think of myself at those ages. Your grandparents were born to be parents. They raised me to be interested in the world around me and to become an adult ready to interact with that world fully. I want the same for you. But I know that in the craziness of being a family, and raising you, and making sure you know how to be that person you are becoming, I may not
communicate everything I hope for you.

The world around us is full of beautiful things and difficult things, and all of it is going to shape you and change you and challenge you into being an amazing young woman. I canʼt wait to know you as that person. Never think that I donʼt want to listen to what youʼre thinking and feeling. I canʼt think of anything more important than knowing my family and what is in their hearts. You and your father are the blessing I never thought I would have.

You are at the threshold of life, and there is so much in front of you. If you donʼt realize or know it yet, I am behind you, I want you to excel in whatever you want to do and whatever it is you are passionate about. There may be times, I know there will be, when I will tell you truthfully what I think about things you do or say, but even if it is critical it does not change how much I care about you and the person you are. In fact, I tell you honestly what I think because I love you.

If I could tell you one thing that helped me most in the first ten years of my “adult life”, before you, it would be this:

The only person you can truly change is yourself.

I know, itʼs pretty straight forward, seemingly obvious... and, after living with me for 16 to 20 years, I am certain youʼve heard it a few times. There are some big reasons why this phrase is important to me.

The only person you really have complete “control” over is yourself, and it should be the only person you control... and that alone is a difficult job at times! Changing yourself is something you ought to do for yourself first, and most of the time only yourself. Donʼt let anyone tell you that you are unworthy or make you feel as if you cannot do what you know you can do.

There will be people in your life that you will fall for, that you will love or admire, that you will want to impress for reasons good and bad... they are the people you want to change for, and at times they are the people you think you can change. I have the privilege right now to help shape you and how you see the world, but I would never want to try and change your (already!) vibrant and sweet determined nature for the world. No matter how much you love another person and desperately desire them to change, the most you can ever do is love them and let them know you want to help. You can pray, you can be the best influence you can be, but they must make the choice to change if they need to.

And thatʼs the other thing that I have the blessing of seeing in you: the choices you make, good and bad, that will make you. You will see me make choices too, I canʼt guarantee that they will always be best, but I can promise with all my heart that the choices I make have been and will be with your contentment and happiness in mind.

Right now, the choices I see you make are whether to roll over or stay put, to reach for my coffee mug or to nurse or play... soon theyʼll get bigger and bigger. No matter how big or small, I am your mother and I will always be here cheering you on a praying the best into your life.

I love you.

Thank you for making me your mom.