this is the week

this is the week where everything about me comes under question, where it all looms above and in a deep voice demands an account of me.

it does.

it's been this way four years running now. two years ago it paralyzed me, i was miserable, and those who loved me knew it - maybe even those who didn't know me knew it. last year, i pushed through, i demanded of myself a perfection that had yet to be achieved. i was brilliant, i was bold, and i got nine job offers out of that SETC.

this year, i am meeting so many things with different eyes. eyes that are less sad, still knowing, more hopeful. so many things are renewed.

i am determined that, if this week will always hit me over the head with bells and sirens alerting me to all my past sore points, then from here on i will glance up at the deep booming voice, grin, wave and say, "let's talk".

because, i am not afraid of what i once was afraid of. there was a time in my life when i thought god was bringing on me all of my worst fears, and that i would never be whole again and never be "good". someone i respect, who has faced more fear, pointed out this week that fear can turn into faith... and faith is,

"the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

the hurts happened, they healed slowly, awkwardly, and some still ache when the weather's not right, but they are past tense. they inform my present and future, but they do not define me.