north america's newest endangered species...

Ezri and Mommy, nursing at 3 months...

America's newest endangered species? The breastfeeding human mother.

It's been on my heart a lot since I've become a mother. It's something I'm nervous to have my typical "rant" over - though it's most worthy of many rants - because I really want people to listen. Recently, a sweet friend of mine blogged about her experience with public breastfeeding at a zoo, she said she felt like she was on display along with the animals as groups of elementary school students looked at her with the same curiosity they have for the monkey exhibit. Along with that, I have read or skimmed soooo many blogs and online mag articles that are purposely built to stir up opinion, put people on the defense (or offense), and just generate mean spirited judgemental gossip. I hate this.

I have a beautiful six month old daughter. She is breastfed. I love, love, love being able to give her sustenance like this, physically and emotionally. This relationship is precious and fills me with awe at how my body can sustain another... our connection didn't stop at birth, it blossomed and grew into the next phase just as nature intended. It is a start to a lifelong relationship that will not end when she is weaned. I am blessed to be able to bond with my baby this way, and all that I could ever desire for any new mom is a chance to do the same with her babe because I know how wonderful it is.

Some people I have encountered seem to think/express/imply in their statements and reaction to those of us who are vocal about "lactivism" or just about the plain old mom to mom help with the mechanics of nursing that it is something that should be completely private and definitely should take place behind closed doors. I have so many problems with this. And I could go on and on about rights and parenting choices and the need for support and so on... but let me just say this from my particular perch:

I am a nursing mom, and I choose to live a life that takes me outside the boundaries of my home on a daily basis... I want my baby to live in the world and experience it just as I do. She gains her nourishment from me, in a completely natural way that has existed since man and womankind were created. Our culture has lost that knowledge, and we are wealthy enough that even the poorest families can afford to buy (sometimes with "subsidies") bottles and formula... I am not telling anyone else that this is "wrong". I am asking you to support me by allowing me to breastfeed my baby anywhere with the same freedom that a mom or dad has to feed their baby with a bottle. The only way we can reclaim this wholesome, completely modest and beautiful act in our society is to allow it to happen without shame or fear of negative reactions.

It has genuinely surprised me to see some of the awkward and downright snobby reactions of my peers at times when it comes to this "issue" that should not be an issue at all. Perhaps part of this is my complete culture shock as an African kid. Yes, I may have pale skin, but I grew up in a setting where it was so normal to breastfeed in public that growing up I didn't think twice about seeing an exposed breast... how else were those babies supposed to eat? Again, I could get in to all sorts of stuff about how ridiculous it is that we as a nation have such a low success rate with nursing past the first two months, and that we need to educate and live it and so on... but, as a person of faith I've been thinking a lot about this.

How do I "witness" to others in an open, non-angry, approachable way about my beliefs as a breastfeeding, natural parenting mom? My sister-in-law sent a link to this shirt the other day, and it made me laugh:

Maybe that's how I'll do it. Honestly, I'm not sure... all I know is that it has truly and deeply worried this mama's soul to see how "up in arms" people get about this. As a believer, I feel like it's important to "live at peace with everyone"(Romans 12:18).

Of course, here's the whole verse: 

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

Now, you scholarly types can go to town on my interpretation and application here, but I guess I read this:

"Now Stefanie, if it's POSSIBLE, you need to make every effort to live at peace with others, BUT this depends on you and if they make it IMPOSSIBLE well, peacefully, lovingly, stand up for what you know is right."

Like I said, I'm no scholar, just the daughter of one. But here's my own bottom line: if you want to have a conversation with me about breastfeeding, it will be one that is passionate, well-informed, exciting and as diplomatic and loving as possible. Believe, this is HARD, because the plain truth is I have felt incredibly isolated in my choice to nurse my child exclusively, to do it until she is ready to wean and not before, and to actively and vocally participate in a local mother to mother support group because I believe it's necessary. I have felt defensive and judged and misunderstood all at the same time. But like I said, it's my determination that no matter what the other tiger-mothers and breastfeeding nazis do out there, I will live at peace with you and continue my membership in the endangered species club.

evangelical

okay, my siblings and i are old enough now to admit... there were times when we did actually roll our eyes at our mother. i denied this vehemently during the years american culture expects you to... i did not want to be THAT kind of teenager (instead i was a weird conservative/christian/slightly granola homeschooler) BUT i will now say it: i rolled my eyes when my mother would talk about something she was passionate about.

like breastfeeding. or being a homemaker. or homeschooling. or politics. feminism.

in the last few weeks though, i've realized something incredibly cool about motherhood. it increases your passion, your determination and your commitment levels threefold... at least! i may have occasionally rolled my eyes at my truly incredible mom, but it was with a level of pride in the fact that she is an educated, loving and intelligent woman who has no shame in stating her priorities of God and family first. she is evangelical about all the things that make her life so full and interesting. she is evangelical because she wants others to have the same experiences, because she is a teacher and wants everyone to know good news in any form.

so how is motherhood changing me? what perspectives are being heightened, altered, or opened up for me?

well, i have certainly gotten evangelical. i feel like this should almost be an apology to anyone who "follows" my facebook feed... i am obsessed with cloth diapering, lactivism and parenting articles! i have become what i feared so easily, and i am enjoying it without shame... and without feeling like i've lost my identity.

mommyhood is re-awakening old expectations and desires, hopes i had for my grown up life. so many of the things i am reveling in now are things i'd quietly put away to the back of my heart. after the upheaval of my early twenties, i had told myself that things like babies and hope and a husband that says things like, "i like taking care of you" or "i like that you are your own person", and having the chance to stay at home (*gasp* me? a SAHM?) were chances expired.

someday, i hope i'll remember to share with ezri how she has changed my life for the better from the instant i knew we were expecting her. so many things eric and i choose to do now, we do with greater commitment and vehemence because we know making or breaking habits we have now will *hopefully* help us build a better life for her. i want to get up early in the morning, and she's certainly good at helping with that, and keep going... i want to cut expenses and save and buy smart because every little thing we choose to do now is enabling us to make the best home for her.

so - things on my mind that i hope to share my evangelical fervor about:

- raising girls of substance and dimension in our culture
- breastfeeding and "natural"/baby-led weaning to real people food
- cloth diapering
- frugal and simple living
- our research and first steps in unschooling/homeschooling
- choosing to stay at home with my incredible little girl

nothing truly original i know... but things i feel prompted to talk about, to pass on. this week, i've had the exciting experience of becoming an auntie and it has made me realize already that nearly 3 months of my little girls life has flown by. seeing ian and brittany take their first wonderful and frightening steps into parenthood has increased my love and gratitude to my family and my desire to record my thoughts and feelings right now. i don't know what format all these thoughts will survive on til ezri is ready to read them... by then a "blog" might sound like a telegram or airmail letter is starting to sound to us, but i want her to have a taste of what her mama was like on this cold dry february morning in kansas, 2011.

i feel compelled. maybe i'll even become evangelical.

a first attempt

it is another unusually brilliant sunny day in northern italy. the roses and geraniums are profuse and embarassingly bright. it's humid, but not unbearably so. i've walked the dog, managed to take a shower and even prepare a meal. it's more than i've been able to do all week. the house is in disarray, beds unmade and trash piled up and begging to be taken out...

an argument errupts moments after he comes home. i think about it now, and can understand his perspective. he'd worked all day, i'd been home all day - why can't the house be clean? why can't i take care of it, it's not like i'm working?

these memories intrude on my every day life at times. sometimes i can simply push them back and say it's past... they are remnants of a struggle long ago set aside. there are times though, when this and other more searing images press into my heart and i cannot set them back in their place easily.

the prompt for recent remembrances:

an "exchange", as a friend termed it, on my preferred social networking site that stirred up a good question, old feelings, and a desire or prompting to share. although it's been my determination from day one of separation and then divorce from my ex-husband to be open about the difficulties and growth earned from it, i really do not relish sharing deeply. i don't think that i need to.

but it hit me this morning, as i said goodbye to my sweet eric as he left to job hunt once more, that i have reasons to rejoice, and reasons to share, and how will anyone know who i am if i don't tell them why i believe what i believe?

am i an evangelical or what?

so, to the good question:

"stefanie, why are you - the daughter of a couple devoted to christian ministry and fairly conservative and moderate in all respects - a feminist?"

okay, so this is something that i feel - in person or online - that i can never fully answer in one fell swoop. that may change over the years, as i hope age will teach me to be wiser and more concise, but in the meantime i wish to tackle this.

my first answer:

i identify myself as a feminist because it is the right thing for me as a Christian and a woman in my culture to do. like so many things that we come to realize about ourselves in early life, becoming comfortable with saying, "i am a feminist" has been a natural part of recognizing who i am as an individual and that it is something about me that has been there all along.

the old feelings:

are connected to the memories. they are so complex and tangled. many are connected to an attempted marriage that ended in heartbreak, some are connected to the naivete that my young sheltered self had ten years ago, some have been around me as long as i can remember.

- the gut reaction occurred when someone i respect said, "i want nothing to do with feminism... i am content to let my husband lead... and, i don't see the need to vote and don't value my right as a woman to do so..." (these are paraphrased)

- memory: being told that i am "the wife", and i should allow my husband to take care of all major decisions. that i had no right to spend money that was supposed to be "ours", and that because i wasn't working, the only thing i should do is maintain the household. i had no input, and was treated to an array of explosive and abusive remarks if i asked about my husbands whereabouts after work, how money was spent etc.

this experience was created by a legacy of teaching, in example and word, that is not Christ-like in any way and is the result of generations of a simple precedent set: women do not deserve the same rights as me. an implicit, subconscious message that is acted out far more than verbalized.

the abuses i dealt with came from a young angry and confused man who had never seen a healthy marriage of two Christian individuals... and i don't repeat this story to blacken his image, but to say that i have some strong feelings as to why it is important to continue reminding women of their worth. i believe that young men need to see their mothers own who they are, and to be respected and valued as individuals by their mates.

my prompting:

and desire is to explain my stance. i hope it is a stance of many other women with similar backgrounds to mine - those who were raised in a perceived "conservative Christian" atmosphere - and that others might join in the conversation.

so here it is. i believe that feminism is something that can and ought to be embraced by women from all walks. that it is a movement that should be open to all persuasions in the political, religious and lifestyle spectrums. until it is just that, we as women have not won our cause to create a world that is fair and equal for all.

as a Christian, while on this world i have an obligation to stand up for those who have no voice and to protect the sanctity of life around me. i cannot ignore an injustice that affects me so directly.

as the second wave coined it: the personal is political. and for me it intersects with this: the spiritual is personal. i cannot see how the son of God could teach anything that would encourage us to view half of the world as secondary in any way.

this is my start, there will be more. in the meantime, books:

the feminine mystique - betty friedan

faith and feminism: a holy alliance - helen lakelly hunt, Ph.D.