(un)burden

Source: designspongeonline.com via Stefanie on Pinterest

we're blessed. we're growing. we're rich compared to so many in the world at large. but...

things are tight. and we're okay with that. no, really we are. we've worked hard in the past year and a half to knock out our consumer debt, and now we're (mainly) working on student loan debt. like so many americans our age, we're just plain thankful that we're employed and not homeless. like so many americans, we've struggled with the constant pressure to live beyond our means. the holidays are coming up and i have to confess:

i'm sick of it. i am sick of feeling like i *have* to measure up. that i have to give certain kinds of gifts and make sure that no one is forgotten. that every family member gets something they want... the pressure is looming above me and I HATE IT.

pretty sure that most people who know me are not terribly surprised by that statement. eric and i have talked a lot since we married, well and before too, about what kind of lifestyle we want to have. we're lovers of good things. good food, good books, good conversation and good sturdy things... we love our family time, and we love our spiritual family near and far.

we also feel strongly that less is more.

no, like really strongly.

as in, it's a battle but i am making a conscious effort not to shop "just for fun" anymore. i know myself, and i always end up feeling dissatisfied. i feel the pressure to consume, to buy buy buy... even if what i'm purchasing isn't exactly what i need. how is that good?

we are so concerned in our culture with being green - we're really into emphasizing recycling, so trendy now - and buying (buying!) the right kind of water bottles and baby products (products!) and purchasing (purchasing!) the best reusable grocery bags. ugh. marketing marketing marketing. you are so clever.

and i want the super cute reusable totes from my favorite box store. i want the awesome glass water bottles from starbucks. but i really and truly don't need them. i have a kitchen full of dishes and gadgets, closets full of clothing, unfinished crafts, scarves and umbrellas and christmas decorations. we moved into a house that is about 1200 square feet and were thankful we had attic space to store a box of books we don't have room for and two tubs of sentimental keepsakes that we are not able to part with. but they're just sitting there, like half the stuff we own.

sure, ez needs some socks that fit her and it would be great to be able to buy her another book or that little wooden car in the toy store, but she has all she needs too. i love bringing her into the church nursery and seeing her dive out of my arms toward a room full of toys. it's like disneyland for her because she has *just enough* at home...

we have just enough, and it leaves room for big feelings like peace and contentment. it gives us a chance to delight in the invitation to watch a football game at a friend's house, because we don't have the mental clutter of cable TV all the time. it means that an evening spent watching our baby play and explore a house that is friendly and spare with plenty of room to crawl around in is the best entertainment ever. a clear dining room table means i can put a beautiful meal on it, pull up the highchair, pour some tea and listen to my husband talk about his day. we are rich because we have less.

someday, we will have more breathing room in our budget. debts will be repaid and we will have learned better habits... it's what we're doing right now. right now we are making the choices that will enable us to relax and enjoy being able to save for retirement and our daughter's college (or whatever she wants to do) fund. right now we are learning self control. we are disciplining ourselves so that the gift we give ourselves and our little girl is an enduring one amounting to more than just a few christmases with piles of gifts.

this year, we are opening a savings account for ezri. it's her birthday present. every year we will add to it, and encourage those family members who wish to gift her to consider adding to it as well. there may be a few handmade gifts that i make this year for her and for others, because that is what we can give and it is our best right now. i am hoping we can save and get her a little christmas dress, or a doll ...

but the reality is, she won't remember that. we all know that. we will cherish any and every tangible physical gift we are given and that she is given because it comes from the hearts of those who love us. and we will give from our hearts too.

and in the meantime i will remind myself that i don't have to worry about what others think of my choices, and that most people are supportive even if they think we're odd...

i like being odd. i like being less burdened. i like that i have loved ones who share the burdens i have with me. i am blessed, with less.

connect >

yesterday was the tenth anniversary of 9/11. i know that i'm not the only one who has had that lingering in the back of my mind for the past few weeks... for me, a person who likes to play the memory game and often, it was a chance to look back on a decade's worth of life.

i was 19. college, sophomore year just started, best roommate situation i've ever had (before eric ;), a very questionable long distance boyfriend who would soon become my fiance... acting class, survey of civ, lifetime wellness... and who knows what else.

my long distance boyfriend - the future ex-husband - was in dallas working that semester... we IM'd about the attack. he didn't call me, i didn't call him. funny to think about now in the context of a long past relationship... i see so many of those things as an indicator of how wonky our relationship was. over this past weekend i've heard so many people recall how they raced to find their spouse, their children, their parents... to hold them and reassure themselves. i was on the cusp of being engaged to this guy and all he said, over the internet, was: well, the sh*** has hit the fan now.

seriously?!!

which is probably why when i think of what i was doing on 9/11 i think of the class i was in when it happened, the chapel service that morning and singing "God Moved In a Mysterious Way" instead.

in some ways, i think my life started to explode that fall too.

homecoming came, and i was suddenly engaged and planning a wedding for spring break of the following year... and struggling with mixed emotions that i never expected when i imagined myself finding "mr. right". he was in texas, because he was on academic suspension from our school, and i was alone in tennessee. i don't think i realized it then, in fact i know i didn't until i returned to the US from Italy in 2005, but i had begun to disconnect.

things weren't what i had thought they'd be, and i was too naive to see why and too scared to get out. and so as the president began to advise us to continue living our lives as usual and to spend spend spend, i began to believe that where i was and how i was being treated was normal. as we buried our shock and horror at what had happened to us as a nation, i buried my normal healthy reactions (the ones he told me were wrong) in shopping for stuff i didn't need with money we didn't have. i quit school. i took prozac. i thought there was something really wrong with me.

my family held on as much as they could... the line stretched from kansas to georgia, my grandmother died in June that year... the line stretched from kansas to Italy, i nearly died in June of that year.

alone in military housing, each apartment a mirror of the other, i took long bubble baths and ignored the laundry and the garbage and the yelling when he got home... i took the dog for walks, talked to my mother every day long distance, and finally tried to talk to my him about how awful everything was. another explosion. he yelled the word "divorce" in a string of irate sentences and left to God knows where, the door slam echoing on the tile. i went upstairs, opened the bottle of perkaset and took it all. there was nowhere for me to go, and (i thought) no one to help me.

10 minutes later, i called the only friend i could think of and she raced me to the hospital. i don't even feel anything when i think about my time in there... i have a memory of an Italian nurse squeezing my hand and speaking soothingly as they pumped my stomach. my heart is only beginning to ache now.

that was June 2004. i was completely disconnected. the hands of strangers brought me back, the actions of our military's employees got me home (i can never praise the chaplaincy and services on that base enough), and i began to wake up.

it took the US until the recession in the winter of 2008 to wake up... by then i was sitting in my car listening to NPR and not wanting to walk across the frozen parking lot to work. i'd been divorced (after a year of working desperately to fix things) since April of 2006... an engagement ring sparkled on my hand again, and i was longing to be home with the man who loved me, listened to me, understood me and who was loved and praised by all my loved ones.

since then, i've been repairing the last walls that were broken. i'm safe, i'm surrounded by those who love me and i even love myself (and that one took a while!), and i have a connection to those who hurt that the 19 year old who wasn't even sure the first reports of the 9/11 were real would have ever had.

lately, these themes of connection>disconnection|reconnection< have been rolling around in my heart, touching on my spirituality, on my choices as a new parent, on our choices as a society (global and national) and my choices as a human being... our hearts stopped when we saw how vulnerable we were and how quickly the world could go sideways, what else could we do but hunker down and bury the hurt with things and anger toward those who hurt us? there are many who have shared much more powerful insight on the impact of 9/11 and what it has done to us as Americans, and as global citizens, for me i have recognized in myself this touchstone... this stone of remembrance that has helped me begin to honor the journey i've made.

"Here I raise my Ebenezer, hither by thy help I've come. And I hope by Thy good measure, safely to arrive at home."

thank you for remembering with me, thank you for connecting.

long distance

we're going where? and without grandma and grandpa?

this is our first day with internet in exactly one month. we've been glued to our phones and fb mobile - alas! my daughter has jealousy issues with my phone now. pretty sure. considering the fact that we are now a one-car family in a new city, i am incredibly thankful that we're able to afford internet at home. i was beginning to feel a wee bit isolated, despite our planned "car days", walks and getting plugged into a great church... the daily routine is so silent! well, not silent when your donna ezri's mom, but... unvaried ;)

and besides all that - we have two sets of long distance grandparents and various relatives who are demanding skype time! my in-laws are now living in belgium for the next two years, and my parents received an exciting call to be Missionaries-in-Residence at freed-hardeman university and are arriving in henderson today. there has been a lot of change for the fam this summer... eric's parents, my parents, my baby brother and we have all moved in the last two months! and good things are happening.

over the course of our prep and move, we encountered remarks about the distance that we would now have to span to see family. i realize we all feel this differently because of our own upbringings and perspectives but it surprised me many times to be reminded that others do not see every change as a God-given, God-driven thing.

i've had the privilege of knowing my sweet husband's family for the past four years now, and have marveled at the changes they face every time the military re-assigns my dad-in-law and the facility with which my mom-in-law organizes each move. i'm also always amazed at how much the government takes care of our service members in aiding the moving process - compared to how preaching/missions families have to do it - wow! 

i wrote a post inspired by their move a little while back, so i won't delve too deeply into it except to muse on the whole long-distance family relationships and the opportunities God gives us...

today i'm thinking about the challenges and opportunities that my in laws will have - to learn about and communicate with multiple cultures and to be the godly and loving witnesses they are wherever they go... 

i'm thinking of my mom and dad and the adventure they are embarking upon. they've left a loving church family who sent them off with joy and tears and are about to go somewhere that has been a place to recharge and connect... a place where they will now be a source of encouragement and inspiration for students and those headed to the mission field. 

i'm thinking of my brother and sister in law who have grown so much in the past few years as a couple, as christians and now as wonderful parents... they haven't moved far, just into a house that fits them, but i know they are using it to build others up already.

and us. mainly eric. this feels like the first place we get to be our own little family. we were blessed with a good house before we even got here, the school and church eric is working with has been warm and welcoming and perfect starting point for his teaching career. each little challenge (and they've all been little) and decision we've needed to make in the midst of the move, settling and starting work, i've marveled at my love and how much he's grown, how he is an excellent daddy, how he puts our needs first. he is using every opportunity God gives him to grow and to help others. 

in brussels, in henderson, in fort worth, in macon... and so many, many other places where our hearts have gone, the links grow bright and strong because He is using us, if we let him. 

there is a lot more i want to write. i'm hoping to start posting *at least* once a week now that we are settled. til then - cheers!

life lines love lines

these days we seem to have one foot planted in the present and one aimed or already in the future, whatever it may look like. it's april, spring is here, eric is so close (and yet so far) to finishing grad school and we are on the job hunt. i fall asleep at night and during stolen 15 minute naptimes, dreaming of a little house and how i will arrange our furniture... i think about our backyard, and putting up a clothesline and whether we'll have a spot for my much longed-for hammock.

it's not that we're unhappy here... we have too much going on to not be in the here and now, with baby and church obligations, school and the like we have enough to do and pleasant people to do it with. we've been fairly blessed in the past two years with chances to grow as a couple and have i have enjoyed watching my husband turn into an excellent teacher and public speaker who cares about what he's sharing and is always taking what's challenging him and turning it into something good.

but we're so ready to settle.

since we married, i've felt like we've been on the job hunt in a sense. we have been blessed with employment no matter what, and a roof over our heads and food to eat, but it's all been with the knowledge that we're in a transitional period (again). it's taught us to look to eachother for a lot, and it's taught us to be content whatever the circumstance... but being in limbo does take it's toll on the heart.

especially when you're a new mom and you would just like to know what it's like to have a place of your own again... we are so, so blessed to be renting with mom and dad. we love the "communal" living and would not have it any other way... but even though eric and i grew up with lots of moving around and temporary living situations, we are both home-bodies that like having space to call our own. aren't we spoiled?

lately we've reminded each other of our missions kid/military brat tendencies to start detaching from our surroundings in anticipation of a move - even when we don't know where we're going next - so that it won't be as "difficult" to leave. don't get me wrong, we loved our respective growing up years and what it's given us as adults... but there are always signs that the itch for change is approaching.

i've always marveled at people who have grown up in the same town, the same county, and live their adult lives in a ten mile radius. we go out of state almost once a month at times. i've been thinking about this a lot lately because of our little bit. she is already becoming quite the road tripper with visiting family in tennessee at three weeks and great-grands and a brand new cousin in texas too. ezri has already been to five "ladies' days" at various churches in the area and heard her grandma speak three of those times.

i don't know how to do it any other way.

next year, we'll be visiting family overseas too. i can't wait. ez will probably not remember a lick of it, but she will know her entire life that when she was around a year and a half old she visited another country. i had a passport by the time i was a month old, eric doesn't know anything really about the town he was born it - it was just a stop in his dad's pilot training - but he remembers vividly so many towns and new faces and experiences... it's made us both people who are determined to relate to anyone, anywhere... to be open to new places and things, and to deeply appreciate family relationships and friendships that go beyond physical location.

some people are blessed to have relatives close by and tightly knit communities where everyone remembers your first steps and what you looked like at twelve. there are all sorts of stories and beautiful intimacies in that kind of life. lately, i have been thinking about the blessings i've had growing up with a tightly knit family and community - despite long distance.

i have memories of my nine year old self on our sunny veranda in mutare, giddily opening up care packages from my granma. real cheerios, a lego set for my brother, new episodes of star trek:tng on VHS and even a new package of underwear was exciting. these packages were not life lines to us in deepest darkest africa. africa was home. but they were love lines. the thin blue paper of air mail letters and the memories of last trips to granma's or auntie's filled our minds and we knew we were loved deeply.

we've talked a lot about where life will lead us, now that eric's the one who will be taking a job and well, we will/have to go anywhere. we've always been open to whatever that means, a lousiana bayou, a northern prairie or a high rise apartment in dubai... some people in my life recently have remarked on the importance of having grandparents near by while raising their children. i had the best of both worlds at different points in my childhood, with one set of grandparents on the mission field with us and the other set in the states but willing and able to visit us... it is a definite blessing to have family near but it not the end of the world to have them far away.

by growing up with long distance family, i learned early about goodbyes and hellos. i learned the value of real quality time with the people i love. i understood that there were people who knew me and loved me halfway around the world and that i was encircled in prayer no matter where i went. i knew that home was not a place, it was a family, and that family remained in my heart whether i was in johannesburg, south africa or abilene, texas.


ezri may have the blessing of grandparents two miles or two thousand miles away but she will always have the knowledge that she is deeply loved and will always have opportunities to listen and learn from the wisdom our parents have to give her... down the love lines.

another letter...

this was initially a guest post submission for a blog i follow... i initially thought it didn't make the cut, but i was wrong (thanks Gina!) ... look for it on The Feminist Breeder this Thursday, April 14.

For Donna Ezri:

Itʼs a warm spring day, the Kansas wind nearly knocked me over this morning while I was sliding you into the Moby wrap to go shopping. You are four months and five days old and your father and I are besotted with you.

Whenever you read this, I hope that you know that to your core. My prayer, with every breath as we sit and nurse in the glow of lamplight or as you lay on the floor rolling and squealing with delight and discovery, is that you will always know you are loved and worthy of it.

A few days ago I decided to write this letter for you. Itʼs gone through many drafts and stops and starts since then. There is so much, a universe I want to guide you through, so much I want to make sure you know. When I see the light and joy behind your eyes, and (already!) the anger and determination there too, I wonder how I am ever going to keep up with you and everything you need.

I have no idea what might transpire between the time that I look at you now and when you read this letter. I do know myself, and your dad, and what we are determined to give you... The things we want to teach you are really detailed and really nebulous... Love and understanding of the world around you, and ability to put yourself in the place of others and be willing to do whatever you can to help them... Passion for doing what is right, and determination to stand by your beliefs and be able to explain them without alienating others but opening their minds and hopefully opening your own.

When I think of the you that will read this letter, I see a bright and determined redheaded beauty, maybe 20 years old - maybe 16... and I think of myself at those ages. Your grandparents were born to be parents. They raised me to be interested in the world around me and to become an adult ready to interact with that world fully. I want the same for you. But I know that in the craziness of being a family, and raising you, and making sure you know how to be that person you are becoming, I may not
communicate everything I hope for you.

The world around us is full of beautiful things and difficult things, and all of it is going to shape you and change you and challenge you into being an amazing young woman. I canʼt wait to know you as that person. Never think that I donʼt want to listen to what youʼre thinking and feeling. I canʼt think of anything more important than knowing my family and what is in their hearts. You and your father are the blessing I never thought I would have.

You are at the threshold of life, and there is so much in front of you. If you donʼt realize or know it yet, I am behind you, I want you to excel in whatever you want to do and whatever it is you are passionate about. There may be times, I know there will be, when I will tell you truthfully what I think about things you do or say, but even if it is critical it does not change how much I care about you and the person you are. In fact, I tell you honestly what I think because I love you.

If I could tell you one thing that helped me most in the first ten years of my “adult life”, before you, it would be this:

The only person you can truly change is yourself.

I know, itʼs pretty straight forward, seemingly obvious... and, after living with me for 16 to 20 years, I am certain youʼve heard it a few times. There are some big reasons why this phrase is important to me.

The only person you really have complete “control” over is yourself, and it should be the only person you control... and that alone is a difficult job at times! Changing yourself is something you ought to do for yourself first, and most of the time only yourself. Donʼt let anyone tell you that you are unworthy or make you feel as if you cannot do what you know you can do.

There will be people in your life that you will fall for, that you will love or admire, that you will want to impress for reasons good and bad... they are the people you want to change for, and at times they are the people you think you can change. I have the privilege right now to help shape you and how you see the world, but I would never want to try and change your (already!) vibrant and sweet determined nature for the world. No matter how much you love another person and desperately desire them to change, the most you can ever do is love them and let them know you want to help. You can pray, you can be the best influence you can be, but they must make the choice to change if they need to.

And thatʼs the other thing that I have the blessing of seeing in you: the choices you make, good and bad, that will make you. You will see me make choices too, I canʼt guarantee that they will always be best, but I can promise with all my heart that the choices I make have been and will be with your contentment and happiness in mind.

Right now, the choices I see you make are whether to roll over or stay put, to reach for my coffee mug or to nurse or play... soon theyʼll get bigger and bigger. No matter how big or small, I am your mother and I will always be here cheering you on a praying the best into your life.

I love you.

Thank you for making me your mom.

would you wear paper underwear?

e

so this was one of my favorite responses given to the question "why are you cloth diapering your baby?"... ah, the internet is a repository. yep, that's about it.

the other day i mentioned a few things i wanted to blog about, and this morning after nursing my little one back to sleep i couldn't seem to follow suit - so here i am! now, if you've ever out of morbid curiosity or sincere interest "googled" cloth diapers, you've probably realized that: a) it's not like it used to be, or what you thought it might have been like (oh we of the disposable only generations) and b) this is becoming a pretty substantial trend and a source of work and income for a lot of cottage industry type moms who want to work from home... so i think it's pretty sweet.

because there is such a massive amount of info out there, and it's good well written and eye catching - CD'ing can become addictive i kid you not, i will not bore you with too many mundane details. but i do want to tell you about how eric, ezri and i have encountered it, the resources we rely on, and why we're doing it.

encounter

my first memory of knowing (of) someone who did cloth diapering - since i've been grown (in africa it's pretty common) - was about 4 years ago. a friend was talking about nursery duty at church and how confusing it was to have to change a cloth diaper for the daughter of a mutual friend... i smiled and nodded and thought, okay, store that away for future research. it's funny to think, eric and i weren't even seriously dating at the time, and now we have a 3 month old...

after that, i noticed CD'ing popping up all over the place. a friend who knits her babies' wool diaper covers, new parent friends who were buying these pretty cute little pocket diapers that looked nothing like the flats and diaper pinned things i remembered from childhood. and then of course, there was the whole "oh yeah, mom only used 'sposies for her last kiddo" - my baby pictures include real cloth nappies, because disposables would have been virtually nonexistent in 1980's zimbabwe...

but until we were pregnant, i really hadn't put it all together. in my mind, when i saw myself changing my baby's diaper, i saw myself throwing that mess away - not rinsing and washing it!

why we're doing it

again, if you read the internets, you might have seen the big reasons somewhere. it's environmentally responsible - millions of disposable diapers (predominantly from the U.S.) end up in landfills every year - ew! it's (usually) economically smart. so far, ezri's adorable little diaper stash has cost us about $350 - the average cost of disposable diapering from 0 to potty-training (which takes longer and longer it seems these days) is anywhere from $1500 to $3000 depending on what you have to buy. and i say have to buy, because as many parents will tell you, every baby is different and what works on one will break another out. and that brings me to another reason: have you seen what they put in 'sposies? the gels and fibers that are designed to "wick away" moisture from baby are often things that were banned from use in cosmetics designed for adults. plus - i hate the smell of the disposable diaper aisle, it is soooo weird.

resources

okay, i have a degree, i've written papers, so i can't leave you with some of these statements without backing them up. some sources are:

Diaper Jungle -

this site has excellent "how-to's" and listings of small businesses who make the oh-so-cute diapers locally etc. it also has a couple of great pages with "history" of diapering and all the "why's" for cloth diapers... and my personal favorite, snappy comebacks for the slight critical curious stranger. although, i have to say we have mainly encountered bewilderment, surprise or bemused support and no hostility.

Cotton Babies and the Fuzzi Bunz Store -

personal favorites of mine, these sites are mainly retail with a bit of how to, a blog and some fun natural parenting and eco friendly clothing, toys and product other than their great diapers. i could get into my personal preferences and what i like to use but, that's another day or a conversation you can have with me via message ;) both of these companies have great facebook pages and good discussion and how to action goes on there.

okay, and now for storefronts: 

Green Bambino -
eric and i were able to visit a physical store in oklahoma city when i was about 8 months pregnant. the green bambino is a fabulous little store and the women who work there are all cloth diapering natural mamas who are ready a willing to school you in the massive array of styles and techniques that have appeared on the scene in the last like, 15 years. the owner knows her stuff and it's just a plain fun place to be! i wish we lived closer.

The Nappy Shoppe - 
the same goes for the nappy shoppe in allen, tx (DFW metro area)... my brother and sister-in-law decided to do cloth and we searched high and low in their area for a storefront before owen was born. we came up with this place, sharni and her crew have only recently started to do open houses and appointments in their workshop/storefront... their main business seems to come from the website. nappy shoppe sells several varieties of cloth diapers and all the trappings, plus sharni makes and sells gorgeous diaper bags, wetbags (i love mine!) and their own type of pocket diaper inserts ... we were able to go with ian and brittany on their appointment and she walked them through all sorts of diapering options and it was great to see them get excited about doing this for their baby and themselves!


Sweet Cheeks LLC -
okay, so until recently, i did not know that this store: sweet cheeks llc. existed in our own wichita, kansas! i have "liked" them on facebook and am eager to go visit. they sell a couple of my favorite diapers, and seem to be plugged in to a great natural parenting community i didn't know existed in this part of kansas! of course, i find this as we're looking for jobs that may lead us elsewhere but it still makes me pretty happy.


in conclusion =) if you're interested in cloth diapering:

- new parents/parents to be, visit a store! it will get you motivated. you can do CD'ing for as little as $200 if you do it right... or you can be like us and be seduced by all the fun prints, clever designs, and urge to find the perfect nappy and be mid-range ($300-$500 investment)

- ask around, you may be surprised who's doing this and you don't even know

- my mom (and mom in law actually) was a great confidence builder and cheerleader, your family will probably support you once you tell them why you're interested in doing this

- never too late to start. just because you have a one year old doesn't mean you can't start now. he/she will have at least another year in diapers - you could save $1000! and at least in our income, that's a chunk.

- if you're brave, ask me anything you'd like - i may not know it all, but i have learned you can geek out over anything, including diapers. yes, diapers.

heartsick

there are times when i think, know, that i must sound downright angry and negative. i like to say that culture shock has never worn off for me as a missions kid. i don't know if it's just that. i want to credit some of how i react to the culture around me to my family and mentors who modeled a life that is simple, focused and noble. mine is not necessarily any of those things, which may be why i get heartsick.

money is on my mind. the past ten years of my life, the ones that comprise my adult life, have been filled with mis-steps and misadventures... they've been full of good too... but many of the challenges i've had seem to be rooted at times in poorly thought out financial decisions. i've gotten good at getting out of jams, i've learned how to talk to collectors, i've found out ways to set up payment plans and defer loan payments, i've learned how to avoid and how to get by without things that really ought to come first.

and i'm discovering my story is not that rare. but it makes me sick.

i wasn't raised to be materialistic... however, even with the best of intentions to avoid "worldly" influence, i've been seduced by the "need" for a cell phone plan, the "wisdom" of building credit, and a slew of other things. i've chosen to get a new outfit over saving that same money toward the mounting student loan payments that are always in the back of my mind.

do you know what i mean?

eric and i are starting something big. we have no illusions that this will be easy. we want to be debt free in 3 to 5 years. i have more student loan debt than anyone with a mere BA should have, and various and sundry post college debts we've accrued that in the end were not necessary if we had just said no to ourselves. our recent trip to and from tennessee was encouraging. we budgeted. the envelope system. and the way there and back, i read dave ramsey out loud. i cried. we talked. and we got excited about tackling something that we have seen eat at people we love and respect all our lives.

today was not easy for my sweet husband. he had to argue his way through a payment plan with the cell phone company. we cancelled our plan but had termination fees and past due stuff they charged us for. before he got on the phone, he decided how much we could pay _right now_ to take care of this. he stuck to it, and that is what he did in the end. it took an hour of bouncing between four or so customer service reps before they got it through their heads that we weren't going to be guilted into rash and sudden commitments of money we don't have (ie. credit cards or, can't someone loan you the money right now?) i am so proud of him, but this experience made him feel 2 feet tall.

what is wrong with us?

someone tries to be honest and only use the means they have at their disposal to take responsibility for something - and that person is made to feel foolish, irresponsible and small. don't get me wrong, we haven't managed all our finances well, but we are taking action to fix that and instead of applause we get rotten tomatoes.

yeah.

and then i visit with friends and family who are happily putting down plastic for new iphones or choosing to extend their direct tv package. their kids' favorite things to do are go shopping at target or eat at mcdonalds... they don't know what it's like to not have cable or to plan ahead enough so they can share a car anymore.

these are the choices we celebrate in america. why?

these are the choices we celebrate as people of faith - why? what happened to the lilies of the field, and the sparrows? where is my treasure supposed to be buried again? i am horrified when i see teenagers expect such luxuries like their own car, a cell phone, a computer of their own... i'm sure they thank their parents, but what did their parents have to do to pay for those things? do those kids have any idea of the value of the things they have? i know i've lost touch with the true value of these things, they won't even have the advantage of ever knowing.

specific pictures come to mind. of young men close to me who have been questioned and criticized for choosing a life of ministry instead of a life of accountancy, or some other "stable" career path. how can anyone criticize a person for choosing to serve others over serving self? if it's in a person's heart to serve the Creator in that way, shouldn't we praise him or her?!

and if i choose to live, for a time, in a humble low income apartment instead of breaking my back to buy a house way before i can afford it, shouldn't you praise me too? if i choose to save the money i could be using to eat out with friends now in order to later live without guilt, a hug and word of encouragement would be so much more welcome than the unspoken criticism that i have felt at times for making a wise choice...

and so, it makes me heartsick when i see our lives wrapped in consumerism to the point that it is difficult for any of us to see straight, but i am hopeful. today, i am hopeful that someday soon i will be able to breathe and not wonder if i can really afford to buy a second gallon of milk at the end of the month. i am hopeful that someday sooner than i know, i will be able to wake up with my child in the mornings and know that we can spend the whole day together without the strain of daycare, work schedules and credit card bills to pay.

and somehow, that makes my heart sigh at the little reliefs along the way, like my husband telling at&t what for.