unformed and unknowing

i step back into the world and wonder what is ahead. again. i am beginning to think that i will experience multiple reincarnations over a single life span. every year there is a new thing to learn and an old thing to tackle, each day i am awash with glittering and multi-faceted doubts. realizations.


breathing more.

so many wants and impulses rush through my veins, pushing through my pores, pressing against my tear ducts and making my throat ache. it's not constant but it is there, available at any time i let things slip. why is everything so turbulent beneath this surface?

do i even need to know why or analyze it?

a discussion last night:
- realizations about how far one person can actually go, actually reach from where we are...
- a feeling that the canvas will never be completely clear again...
- how do i use the errant strokes, how do i incorporate the things that feel like hindrance into something that goes forward?
- control
- it's not the same as self-discipline
- i don't have either, and desire only the latter, not the former

(do you remember when you first figured out the whole latter/former thing? it's still fun to use)

unformed and unknowing, i am thrust forth into the world... i was. some people really have their life all planned out, and seem to achieve each little goal on the way to wherever they're going. that scares me, but i also don't want to endlessly search, continually stab into the darkness, constantly wonder where the other options went... ugh. here's a word i loathe...


NPR informed me the other day (like it does) of the whole delightful concept: the universe is not symmetrical.

take that balance.

this pleased me in my own little cynical way. the universe isn't balanced, the world isn't balanced... it's tilted right? i'm not completely against symmetry - it has it's moments, but i've never felt completely symmetrical in my life.

well sure, there's a certain amount of pleasing "the circle is now complete" symmetry in my life, that is true... and i like acknowledging those moments with a knowing grin... i look forward to collecting those over a lifetime... but, at the same time - we need a little lopsided-ness, you know?

if everything was balanced and reasoned, i would still be in cincinnati... no wait, i'd have been an education major... no wait, i would never have dropped out of school... no wait.... well, you know.

and, i like my life even with its intensities and uncertainties... i think it forces me to cling and to know and then to see that i don't know, i don't control... and that i am not in the business of making the world's actions even out.

on a mildly different leg of this musing - realizations of late:

- God and i are getting better again.
- i am valuing my family (blood and otherwise) in ways i haven't before
- i am economically prone, and completely undisciplined financially
- there is no way i could not be a feminist, and i like that
- women's history, and anthropology make me happy happy happy
- eric is good. so good.
- i'm not sure what will happen next, but i am on the way to it, and i like how every thing is unfolding, even though some days are really difficult

and i just can't seem to control myself grammatically.

oh and:
- writing is good, so good, it feels good and... i want to do more of it

so, to sum up - the universe is asymmetrical, words and writing are beautiful, God gets that i'm stubborn and i love not knowing everything. yes.


since last we met

as usual, much has happened. much has changed.

on the fantastically fabulous side: I'M ENGAGED!!!

and feel wonderfully gloriously happy and RIGHT about it all! i am so blessed, and he is so good, and we are so good for eachother and so... real. i like it, and i know deep in my bones that we can make this work and that God will bless us with such a good life together.

on the ridiculously dissapointing and depressing side: i quit my job.

yes, my first out of school theatre job - boo. and it makes me sad, and it makes me question me, but then i also know this is the right choice on multiple levels. i preface it all with, it's a great company but:

- it's not the right place or position for me right now
- i'm not doing _anything_ i want to do, now or ever
- i was promised things that have not materialized
- i need to be closer to my fiance as we prepare for marriage
- i am not healthy here, i am emotionally, spiritually and socially miserable
- i can earn more working retail for a while and pay off debts before heading BACK to school

and every day i think of something new. it's gotten to the point at work where i feel sick constantly, like i'm going to just snap and lose it sometimes... it isn't a difficult or complicated job, it's just combination of all the things i really don't want to do, or care about doing.

i need to care.

so... i will find something i care about, and do that, when God shows it to me. in the mean time, i will work hard at getting the little loose ends of my life tied up as much as they can be... and focus the now stuff.

i'm ready - so ready, to stop this moving around, and this uncertain phase of my life... i'm ready for a little tiny tiny bit of stability. and more moments with eric, who is wonderful and full of surprises and sweet things. he is better every time i see him, and i feel so loved, and so on the same page with him. how did i get this lucky?



closed my first show here this weekend. i'm ready to move on from neil simon ... next up, peter shaffer's amadeus. yay.

but before i dive deep into that, i'm taking a little breather. eric is arriving in ohio on thursday, and i am very much ready to see him. we've spent more time apart during this dating thing than we have together. tucson is entirely too far away, and tennessee is only marginally better.

it's been nearly two months since i arrive in cincy. in some ways i feel i've been here longer, in other ways i still feel like i'm going back to school in a couple of weeks and that this is all just temporary.

but it's not.

and this year, perhaps the first of many (a few?) in cincinnati is my time to get this whole living a balanced, responsible life right. i feel like there's so much ahead of me, so much good is possible. there's also good now, but i'm still clearing the cobwebs away from years of ups and downs, and hiding from myself and what i need to do, and who i need to be.

lots of reading about bp going on right now, i had a scary time about a month ago. a mixed episode on the verge of mania, half a day spent in the E.R. in order to get meds, and to get sorted. on opening night. not the way i wanted to spend my time, and then it was. i knew it was coming, i let my meds run out, and i was pushing myself to get things done, and nervous as heck about my new job, and what everyone thought of me. paranoia was beginning to rear its ugly head.

so, i'm trying to get a handle on all of it. i still have moments of serious doubt about the diagnosis. can't i just be an intense, creative, highly strung person? can't i live without the drugs?

i'm on a waiting list for therapy at a clinic with a sliding scale... that's good. in the meantime, i fill my brain with books and good thoughts. i may even go to a support group meeting this week... maybe.

and the job is good. i've realized i can't do just this for very long in theatre... i want something more creative to sink my teeth into. i miss rehearsal. i miss research. i miss running lines, and pulling costumes, and scribbling down blocking. i can do so much, and then i also feel like i can do so little. i'm praying that some door will open, even a small opportunity, to prove myself, to make something, to create.

but this is a good place to be, and i can only see it getting better.


1 month, 2 weeks, 3 hours ...

i've been in cincinnati for one month.. and 1 week

barefoot in the park has been running for just about 2 weeks

eric is in tucson, 3 hours behind my time zone and million miles away

how is it that i always end up quantifying everything, and yet i really don't like numbers? i will admit there is something satisfying in doing it. i like being able to say that i've been in a relationship with my someone for 11 weeks... nearly 3 months. still unbelievable, still great.

my adjustment to new work and a new place has been a little bumpy, and mostly due to circumstances beyond my control... mostly...

i'm coming to terms with a lot of things about myself lately.

i have a mental disorder... but i can handle it, and actually it makes my life all the more interesting and unique.

because of that disorder, i've put myself into debt through impulse purchases and avoiding my "fiscal" responsibilities in the past.

and then i've not taken care of myself. not really. it all just seems like to much work, to much focus... which at times has been so difficult to muster and so precious that i didn't feel like wasting it on self-discipline ...

now i'm in a better place than i've been in an age, and i'm sure there's still more i'll have to go through before i'm able to say i've dealt with it all... but i am finally feeling like the universe isn't against me after all.

it's nice.



change. and sometimes when you least expect or want them to...

i'm adjusting to that today. my philosophy has always been on the generous side when it comes to loosing touch or simply loosing real connection with someone. some people are meant to be in your life forever... and some of the people you think are meant to be, simply aren't.

life is what happens while you're making other plans...

it's a simple truth that the minute you choose to take something for granted in this life, it will up and slap you in the face, one way or another. there are a couple of friendships that i have absolutely loved in the past three years of my life, that i simply assumed would remain. that the feelings were mutual, equally distributed, a blessing to both parties...

and now, i feel pushed aside, ignored, forgotten. these are people that i love, and want to look up to and cheer on in their endeavors, their lives... and i don't think they are purposely ignoring me, but it certainly feels like i'm forgotten and faded. they've moved on to the next shiny object. it hurts, i won't lie. i've questioned myself a lot in the past month or two, wondering what it is that has distanced us... some of it just seems like it was inevitable, or that this is just how things need to be right now. what is the use of straining at something that just doesn't work anymore?

life shifts and changes with the light, with each movement, each beat of my heart... i know this, and i count on the fact that through it all god has provided an ever increasing store of those who remain. the worthwhile few who always will stop what they're doing to talk when i need it (they know they can do the same to me), that even though we don't talk on a daily basis, they feel this connection. they are my "kindred spirits", and as Anne observed to Diana... "you know, kindred spirits aren't as rare as i thought they were..."

friendships are blessings, however long they last, and every now and then a kindred spirit shines through and continues to glow and pulse in the hearts of those who love them. right now, i just need to remember those spirits, and how they return the love i feel for them. there are so many faces to love, through friendships, family, romance... and i'm so thankful for each one as they've caused me to grow and become me.


180 degrees

later ...

so, headlines in my life that have flown by in the past two weeks:





and, my personal favorite of favorites...


... which happened, oh, between finishing the semester and graduation.

my face is stuck in smile mode. seriously. after a semester of hellishness and intense emotion, change and lots of little ephiphanies - i am possibly the happiest i've been in about seven years.

school is over, i know what my highs and lows are all about, i'm about to start a job with a real live theatre in downtown cincinnati, and i'm dating my best friend who is just about the most gentle, intelligent, caring, handsome and considerate man i know...

and i'm getting so sappy. all the time. everything is so cute, or so beautiful, or reason to smile instead of mock. it was the most unexpected and beautiful surprise to have my last week in henderson be the first week with this amazing guy.

so many things that seemed so incredibly important have fallen by the wayside. obsessions that just pulled and tugged at my heart, at the back of my mind - they're distant voices and are increasingly less important - in fact they're ridiculous.

happy. not intense out of control happy, but true happy.


note to self

read these in that month of dead time before you get to cincinnati:
- the great gatsby
- a moveable feast
- the feminine mystique




wow, i'm tired. sooooo sleepy. miles to go before i sleep sleepy.

three finals down, one paper, two 2-D projects, and 5 reading responses to go. slowly, i am slowly hacking a way through the jungle with my crazy machete. ha. machete.

my brain is begging for a break at 3pm. i've taken a math final, a bible final and in between have conjured up two works cited pages, nailed down outlines and filled out paragraphs in my little burrow in the back of the library.

i'm so sick of sitting.

there's no time to sleep, and so ... i fear i must indulge in the caffiene.


am i

going to graduate? well... things are looking slightly up-ish. we'll see. 

it doesn't feel like i'm really going anywhere. and yet, i've recieved my letter of agreement from cincy shake and completed every little thing on the list fhu sent in order for me to be able to pick up my cap and gown.

cap and gown.

now, that just sounds ridiculous.

suse and i went and got sonic drinks together, justifying it with, "we won't get to do this for much longer", but neither of us want to believe it. eric and i won't be going to class and chorale anymore, and there's no more voyager left. my money is all tied up  in getting me to cincinnati. my doctor gave me enough samples to tide me over til my health insurance kicks in.

i have a 10 page paper and 2 essays, and about 4 reading responses. if i turn the paper in by wednesday and the history stuff by thursday ...  

maybe i'll be okay.


write, well

i have writer's block when it comes to bible it seems. i've attempted earnestly on many occasions now to write an essay, a 5 page paper, and the mother of all 10 page paper over the last three weeks. and the stress, anxiety or mania monster has come to eat me every time. i'm allergic to bible, sorry god.

okay, so that was slightly blasphemous i suppose... but honestly, that is where i'm at. so far this week, i've been able to make up all but one of my history assignments, make an in-depth power point presentation for lit., and make up three math tests ...

i have to eek these out before the end of the week. it's wednesday.

part of it is that i'm so tired of being in bible-land... part of it is that i am afraid of writing for this professor - the harvard man - and part of it is that until this week i literally felt paralyzed when it came to _any_ of this work.

so maybe typing all this frustration out here will start a writing streak. i need it, desperately. i've read a little, i've thought a little and i've even scribbled outlines. the thing i always hit when it comes to writing thoughtfully about any scripture or doctrine is that i either feel that it's so obvious that i don't need to express it, or that it's so enmeshed in scholarly-lize that i can't understand more than five words.

and all i need to do is find and angle and just start writing. but i don't care. i don't care about these subjects, i tried - i tried to work on a subject that irked me, and came to find out that three others in the class did the same thing. so, of course, now i don't want to do that. you know, i can feel it - i'm running completely out of excuses. this is good. this is really good.

there's so much crap going on for the rest of this week. tomorrow i have to make sure i go to class, make a presentation in lit, and then help with decorating the theatre for spotlight. normally i enjoy spotlight, i look forward to it - right now it's another impediment to my getting things DONE. oh, and then there's the chorale rehearsal that i will miss, again, for our big chapel performance. i should talk to gary about that and tell him i can't do it. i really can't. i don't know the song well, and i haven't earned to privelege of performing it... plus - I HAVE NO TIME!

oh, and then there's friday - chorale performs in chapel, i'll have to make up my last math test over algebra, and make up at least two of the memory verse tests for gardner. by then i need to have turned it at least the essay/outline and the 5 page paper. there, that's a goal, right? in the midst of all this - i need to get to jackson and buy my soon to be sister in law a lingerie shower gift and find food to serve at this gorram shower.

yeah - that's saturday. we have chorale picnic, a must - and something i've looked forward to until like, you know - now. and then this epic lingerie shower that i've felt under duress to arrange. i wanted to... and then there was all this drama around it. gah. stupid.

sunday? church. performance at henderson. 1 acts. the scramble for completion of all sorts of crap before finals...

oh yeah - and then there's 2-D design that i HAVE to salvage. i need to find time to talk to laquita, get a past due project done, buy paper for the final - and then create it before wednesday. in all my free time.

all my free time.

i've worked myself into a state of headache now. all that's left is to write out my master list, own it - then do it.



i've just been


that's all. i'm so ridiculously aware of myself, my brain, my heart, my mind... i devoured a book between last night and this afternoon, and i've a good mind to eat another tonight. i mean, what's the use? i can't seem to focus on anything i should and i'm mesmerized by my own incomrhensible idiocy, my warped and self-centered mind . . .

and the world just keeps happening around me, and all the people i love are impatiently waiting for me to get over it and rejoin the party. i'm so dull and repetitive, so thick and slow, so... small and petty and full of fear

i want to stop. i'm trying to stop. this is no time to be doing this.

no time to be doing this at ALL

i can't... and this is all so silent and desperate.

if i'm manic depressive, i'm not even good at that. i'm wimpy... i'm just pitiful and stupid... and very very dizzy

ugh... why why why do i feel so outside of myself and so warm and weird tonight? i don't want this, and yet i do... but if i have this can it be so over the top that all will stand back in awe and excuse my shortcomings and remember only my pain, and what i've already been through

i want to be finished with this place, and yet i'm stuck stuck STUCK

i can't seem to let myself out - and i want OUT ... i want OUT OUT OUT
but i can't seem to want it enough.
if i wanted it enough i'd find the right energy and i would do my work and it would GET DONE
and the internet would fade away
and the strain and stress and terror would diminish
and i would relax
and cry
and breathe
and find a place to soak in a tub with hot water until all this horrid horrid nastiness came out of me

am i really really this way or am i making myself this way? am i hiding behind something not quite there or is this REAL???

i just want to be able to do something right. i want to close this chapter of my life.

no, i REALLY do.

god please let me



she pulled out the DSM from her shelf, opened it up and asked me to read some descriptions...

Bipolar II Disorder
Presence (or history) of one or more Major Depressive Episodes.
Presence (or history) of at least one Hypomanic Episode.
There has never been a Manic Episode or a Mixed Episode.
The mood symptoms in Criteria A and B are not better accounted for by Schizoaffective Disorder and are not superimposed on Schizophrenia, Schizophreniform Disorder, Delusional Disorder, or Psychotic Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.
The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
Hypomanic. This specifier is used if the current (or most recent) episode is a Hypomanic Episode.
Depressed. This specifier is used if the current (or most recent) episode is a Major Depressive Episode.

that was three weeks or so ago. the concept floated through my head, i read about it and thought about it - mentioned the idea to a friend or two ... the more i learned, the more i realized that the diagnosis was correct, spot on.

and now i'm coming to the close of a week of adjustment to treatment: mood stabilizers ... i'd had unpleasant experience with anti-depressants and strong feelings about ever using them again. so, it was a weird relief to know that i didn't have to take them... of course, i rapidly discovered that the first drug i started on (that fit my budget so well- thanks to the $4 pharmacy lists), an anti-convulsant, did not agree with me at all. i then shifted gears with the help of the doc, to a drug that can be classified as "anti-psychotic". heh.

now, for the most part - this news, and the concept of treatment has been acceptable to me. okay, this explains like a million things that i've felt i could never control about myself, aspects that i've been alternately amused, horrified or ecstatic over now have a source, a reason. but now, what the hell do i do?

it makes me angry that i only am learning this now.

i'm relieved to know this now.

it freaks me out that i can't control this.

i don't want this to be a crutch.

this really messes with my earnest endevours and ambition to crawl out of hell and into my self-defined paradise.

how wacked out and weird do i seem to other people? how long have i been this way? the paranoia and isolation i've felt all this time... it was all in my head, but now i think i've ruined my chances of getting out of it.

and WHY NOW??? i'm supposed to be kicking ass and taking names (as a friend of mine would say). i'm supposed to be finishing my last semester of college in a blaze of glory.




no one





... gods, i'm so melodramatic.