one year

last night was open house at my husband's school. and so we reminisced about what things felt like a year ago at the same event, with only two weeks behind us in our new home. shyness and hesitancy has been replaced with familiarity and sureness; my baby is no longer in a sling on my hip but running and squealing and grinning in a place that is as familiar to her as our house. eric navigates the stream of parents and students with questions and introductions so easily, with confidence that has been well earned. he is so prepared, so handsome in his red tie and grey slacks... even if they are two sizes too big and belted in.

for the first time in abut six years, the numbers on my scale are going down instead of up. i am wearing jeans today that have been shoved to the back of every closet I have unpacked since we married. we are eating more mindfully, and eating more healthily, we are choosing to do things that are not in front of a screen all the time. eric is skinnier now than he was when we married, and so am I... I am fifty pounds lighter than I was in January.

and I really didn't plan this. this isn't a diet, this isn't a race to get into a swimsuit or to show up any biggest losers (can't stand that show!) I didn't even want to tell people that I was losing weight, or even believe it, until friends at church started commenting on my baggy clothes. but it isn't about the pounds. it's about where I am.

i am lighter in my soul. for a long time I labelled each pound I gained with words like inadequacy and anger, with the name of my ex, with the diagnosis I received four years ago, with every mistake I made. I believed I deserved to be obese, that I wasn't worth the trouble, that I wasn't worth the health.

then the universe reminded me of the good that still exists. friends who seemed to think I was worth listening to, family who reminded me to not take myself so seriously, a husband and best friend who sees things in me I didn't even know were there, a baby girl who makes me laugh more than I ever anticipated, and stillness to hear my own voice again, these things have overcome ME.

and the Creator continues to heal and use this imperfect vessel and astonish me with incredible grace and generosity.