the (dis)illusion of control

have you ever noticed our human tendency to fool ourselves into thinking we're in control? of anything outside ourselves? we learn so quickly that we can manipulate little things around us... and some of us are very much prone to allowing others to "control" at times...

ezri is on her tummy, on her little blanket, staring at the mirror i've propped up. she has become adept at grasping it and drooling all over it... but when she gets truly dissatisfied with it, and her position, she screams. it's actually kind of cute. but she knows, already, that if she makes enough noise someone bigger than her will come running and fix it.

smart baby.

recently, i heard someone say (basically), "i guess i didn't start praying for the right thing soon enough". wow. this made my head spin. the whole phrase makes me cringe. it implies that the speaker thought that in order to get what you want, you have to get your christmas list in to God by a certain time... that, somehow, we can simply order up our future by dialing in the right prayer at the right time.

pretty sure that's not how God works. i'm not even sure the person who said that realized how that sounded, or that s/he thinks that's how prayer works either. but what frightens me, and makes me take a hard look at my own habits and phrases and so on, is how easily that idea slipped out... and the fact that it implies a sense of perceived control.

i just finished writing something for my daughter in which one of the big things i shared with her is a statement that i have made a mantra at times: the only person i can change is myself. i've had this lesson taught over and over in my life. through a failed marriage full of mistrust and control and anger, through my own struggles with addiction and depression, and even through meeting and falling in love with my best friend... through positive and negative experiences, i've learned and relearned that i cannot control another person, ever... and i can definitely not control any situation that comes my way.

what i can do is work on me, and accept that life may throw some weird things my way but i can be flexible and open. when i open myself up to whatever God is pulling me through, i can grow and learn anything. some of the worst times in my life have become tipping points, the climax that leads to life changing decisions big and small. because i have been in a relationship where the person i loved thought he needed to "control" me, i know how it feels to be crushed into a mold that isn't me. after that, you fight anything and everything that might mean conformity.

years later, i've realized that not everyone or everything will control me. i can make choices. i make the choice every day to teach my child how to live in this world as an equal with delight and curiosity, i make the choice to love those around me whether they appreciate it or not, i make the choice to do right and to be unafraid of what others might think. i can be loving and considerate and still do what i need to do...

and it's so much less stressful than battling to control every tiny thing around you because you are afraid of the unknown. in my experience, as soon as you think you have a handle on it all, the whole thing comes crashing down and you have to start again. that's just too much work for me.

would you wear paper underwear?

e

so this was one of my favorite responses given to the question "why are you cloth diapering your baby?"... ah, the internet is a repository. yep, that's about it.

the other day i mentioned a few things i wanted to blog about, and this morning after nursing my little one back to sleep i couldn't seem to follow suit - so here i am! now, if you've ever out of morbid curiosity or sincere interest "googled" cloth diapers, you've probably realized that: a) it's not like it used to be, or what you thought it might have been like (oh we of the disposable only generations) and b) this is becoming a pretty substantial trend and a source of work and income for a lot of cottage industry type moms who want to work from home... so i think it's pretty sweet.

because there is such a massive amount of info out there, and it's good well written and eye catching - CD'ing can become addictive i kid you not, i will not bore you with too many mundane details. but i do want to tell you about how eric, ezri and i have encountered it, the resources we rely on, and why we're doing it.

encounter

my first memory of knowing (of) someone who did cloth diapering - since i've been grown (in africa it's pretty common) - was about 4 years ago. a friend was talking about nursery duty at church and how confusing it was to have to change a cloth diaper for the daughter of a mutual friend... i smiled and nodded and thought, okay, store that away for future research. it's funny to think, eric and i weren't even seriously dating at the time, and now we have a 3 month old...

after that, i noticed CD'ing popping up all over the place. a friend who knits her babies' wool diaper covers, new parent friends who were buying these pretty cute little pocket diapers that looked nothing like the flats and diaper pinned things i remembered from childhood. and then of course, there was the whole "oh yeah, mom only used 'sposies for her last kiddo" - my baby pictures include real cloth nappies, because disposables would have been virtually nonexistent in 1980's zimbabwe...

but until we were pregnant, i really hadn't put it all together. in my mind, when i saw myself changing my baby's diaper, i saw myself throwing that mess away - not rinsing and washing it!

why we're doing it

again, if you read the internets, you might have seen the big reasons somewhere. it's environmentally responsible - millions of disposable diapers (predominantly from the U.S.) end up in landfills every year - ew! it's (usually) economically smart. so far, ezri's adorable little diaper stash has cost us about $350 - the average cost of disposable diapering from 0 to potty-training (which takes longer and longer it seems these days) is anywhere from $1500 to $3000 depending on what you have to buy. and i say have to buy, because as many parents will tell you, every baby is different and what works on one will break another out. and that brings me to another reason: have you seen what they put in 'sposies? the gels and fibers that are designed to "wick away" moisture from baby are often things that were banned from use in cosmetics designed for adults. plus - i hate the smell of the disposable diaper aisle, it is soooo weird.

resources

okay, i have a degree, i've written papers, so i can't leave you with some of these statements without backing them up. some sources are:

Diaper Jungle -

this site has excellent "how-to's" and listings of small businesses who make the oh-so-cute diapers locally etc. it also has a couple of great pages with "history" of diapering and all the "why's" for cloth diapers... and my personal favorite, snappy comebacks for the slight critical curious stranger. although, i have to say we have mainly encountered bewilderment, surprise or bemused support and no hostility.

Cotton Babies and the Fuzzi Bunz Store -

personal favorites of mine, these sites are mainly retail with a bit of how to, a blog and some fun natural parenting and eco friendly clothing, toys and product other than their great diapers. i could get into my personal preferences and what i like to use but, that's another day or a conversation you can have with me via message ;) both of these companies have great facebook pages and good discussion and how to action goes on there.

okay, and now for storefronts: 

Green Bambino -
eric and i were able to visit a physical store in oklahoma city when i was about 8 months pregnant. the green bambino is a fabulous little store and the women who work there are all cloth diapering natural mamas who are ready a willing to school you in the massive array of styles and techniques that have appeared on the scene in the last like, 15 years. the owner knows her stuff and it's just a plain fun place to be! i wish we lived closer.

The Nappy Shoppe - 
the same goes for the nappy shoppe in allen, tx (DFW metro area)... my brother and sister-in-law decided to do cloth and we searched high and low in their area for a storefront before owen was born. we came up with this place, sharni and her crew have only recently started to do open houses and appointments in their workshop/storefront... their main business seems to come from the website. nappy shoppe sells several varieties of cloth diapers and all the trappings, plus sharni makes and sells gorgeous diaper bags, wetbags (i love mine!) and their own type of pocket diaper inserts ... we were able to go with ian and brittany on their appointment and she walked them through all sorts of diapering options and it was great to see them get excited about doing this for their baby and themselves!


Sweet Cheeks LLC -
okay, so until recently, i did not know that this store: sweet cheeks llc. existed in our own wichita, kansas! i have "liked" them on facebook and am eager to go visit. they sell a couple of my favorite diapers, and seem to be plugged in to a great natural parenting community i didn't know existed in this part of kansas! of course, i find this as we're looking for jobs that may lead us elsewhere but it still makes me pretty happy.


in conclusion =) if you're interested in cloth diapering:

- new parents/parents to be, visit a store! it will get you motivated. you can do CD'ing for as little as $200 if you do it right... or you can be like us and be seduced by all the fun prints, clever designs, and urge to find the perfect nappy and be mid-range ($300-$500 investment)

- ask around, you may be surprised who's doing this and you don't even know

- my mom (and mom in law actually) was a great confidence builder and cheerleader, your family will probably support you once you tell them why you're interested in doing this

- never too late to start. just because you have a one year old doesn't mean you can't start now. he/she will have at least another year in diapers - you could save $1000! and at least in our income, that's a chunk.

- if you're brave, ask me anything you'd like - i may not know it all, but i have learned you can geek out over anything, including diapers. yes, diapers.

observations and ruminations of a first time mother

take it as a sign that i truly am hormonal and pregnant - but i must rant, yet again.

okay, maybe it's not always a rant, but i must at the very least muse.

observations since i have made my pregnancy known to all 
(all being facebook and the big world beyond, of course)

- everyone on fb is pregnant or is enamored of their newborn


- the profile pic of your baby (once sex is determined, of course) must go up, it is de rigeuer. of course, this may mean an extra five seconds of "who is that commenting on my wall?" while squinting at an adorable fuzzy baby outline too.


- people, not just older or very younger who might be excused due to unfamiliarity with current medical technology, do not understand that it takes a while until the ultrasound tech can make that educated guess as to whether you're having a boy or a girl... like, at least 20 weeks for most people.


- oh, and people want to know and don't understand you not wanting to know the potential sex of your child.

- question i am sick of: are you excited about the baby?

um - how do you answer this? yes, i am excited about the drastic life changing event and how it is irreversible and permanent and completely unfamiliar to me... i am excited about doing something that is just about completely new in every way to me... yep.


or, uh - duh, i'm excited. we live in a culture where, thanks to the availability of contraception etc., having a baby can be a choice - we decided to get married and all that that entails, including procreation, so - we're excited.


but i've never been the bouncy giddy let's ooh and aah and spontaneously break into baby talk type. why should that completely change now? note, please, that i left room for change... i'm not foolish enough to deny the effects of the hormones racing through my body of late, or the intensely satisfying dreams i've had recently where i glimpse my little one's face - a composite of all the babies i've ever held and loved.


back to observations

- horror stories! good grief people! i don't know why finding out that i am due in november inspires some people to tell all their worst experiences or stories relating to infertility, miscarriage, stillbirths, birth complications, childhood diseases and conditions... and the list goes on! why???

i am, of course, a sympathetic listener and want people to feel comfortable relating to me. i know that the relation of these stories are strangely well-meant, and a part of the initiation rituals of motherhood. i can see that. but please, can you tell me happy or funny stories instead? i can handle gross or even long winded boring stories about children and grandchildren i will never know but an endless saga about a friend's pregnancy challenges only adds to this paranoid's list of anxieties.

- under the same category i suppose:
reasons why person a, b or c ended up having a c-section, saying yes to drugs, choosing to bottle-feed, or anything else that is the opposite of what i _hope_ (note-hope! i am a realist) to do.

we all have ideals of what the beginning of motherhood/parenthood will be like. i know that these things do not always come to fruition in the manner one expects. two things:


1. don't assume that i am naive enough to be inflexible when it comes to my own ideals
2. realize that i have many, many positive examples and mentors available when it comes to practicing what i wish to do in my own pregnancy, birth experience, and early baby nurturing time.


i value good advice and hard won experience. i don't quite understand the need to excuse ones' self from any choices made in a birth story.


well, enough observation for now i suppose. thank you for the rambling rant... 


and now i will tell you happy things about my own pregnancy. things i wish to remember.

- the baby moves a lot. this is the best reassurance in the world to me after the loss of our first pregnancy. i am truly astonished each time i feel a flutter or nudge.


- i don't look that pregnant yet... in fact i've lost weight since the pregnancy began. this amuses me and the doctors are pleased at how healthy we both are so far.


- but i did buy maternity clothes. the capris with the ever so attractive "panel" are soooo comfy. and i've stretched enough to need them.


- i love every baby and small person i see. no, see, i'm not normally that way. i am the type that is guilty of remarking that certain acquaintances "spawned", or are "breeding" when they announce a pregnancy... yeah. and i like little people a lot, but i don't necessarily swoon over each one like many sweet friends of mine do.


- i am nostalgic, sentimental, teary, moody and generally intense. to which you say, wasn't she already?


best of all- 


this experience is making me a more honest and determined human being. it is challenging me to straighten my priorities and know myself more than i have before. the idea of imprinting myself on a new little person is incredible and humbling. without cliche, i want to do my best and give the best to this little one.