observations and ruminations of a first time mother

take it as a sign that i truly am hormonal and pregnant - but i must rant, yet again.

okay, maybe it's not always a rant, but i must at the very least muse.

observations since i have made my pregnancy known to all 
(all being facebook and the big world beyond, of course)

- everyone on fb is pregnant or is enamored of their newborn

- the profile pic of your baby (once sex is determined, of course) must go up, it is de rigeuer. of course, this may mean an extra five seconds of "who is that commenting on my wall?" while squinting at an adorable fuzzy baby outline too.

- people, not just older or very younger who might be excused due to unfamiliarity with current medical technology, do not understand that it takes a while until the ultrasound tech can make that educated guess as to whether you're having a boy or a girl... like, at least 20 weeks for most people.

- oh, and people want to know and don't understand you not wanting to know the potential sex of your child.

- question i am sick of: are you excited about the baby?

um - how do you answer this? yes, i am excited about the drastic life changing event and how it is irreversible and permanent and completely unfamiliar to me... i am excited about doing something that is just about completely new in every way to me... yep.

or, uh - duh, i'm excited. we live in a culture where, thanks to the availability of contraception etc., having a baby can be a choice - we decided to get married and all that that entails, including procreation, so - we're excited.

but i've never been the bouncy giddy let's ooh and aah and spontaneously break into baby talk type. why should that completely change now? note, please, that i left room for change... i'm not foolish enough to deny the effects of the hormones racing through my body of late, or the intensely satisfying dreams i've had recently where i glimpse my little one's face - a composite of all the babies i've ever held and loved.

back to observations

- horror stories! good grief people! i don't know why finding out that i am due in november inspires some people to tell all their worst experiences or stories relating to infertility, miscarriage, stillbirths, birth complications, childhood diseases and conditions... and the list goes on! why???

i am, of course, a sympathetic listener and want people to feel comfortable relating to me. i know that the relation of these stories are strangely well-meant, and a part of the initiation rituals of motherhood. i can see that. but please, can you tell me happy or funny stories instead? i can handle gross or even long winded boring stories about children and grandchildren i will never know but an endless saga about a friend's pregnancy challenges only adds to this paranoid's list of anxieties.

- under the same category i suppose:
reasons why person a, b or c ended up having a c-section, saying yes to drugs, choosing to bottle-feed, or anything else that is the opposite of what i _hope_ (note-hope! i am a realist) to do.

we all have ideals of what the beginning of motherhood/parenthood will be like. i know that these things do not always come to fruition in the manner one expects. two things:

1. don't assume that i am naive enough to be inflexible when it comes to my own ideals
2. realize that i have many, many positive examples and mentors available when it comes to practicing what i wish to do in my own pregnancy, birth experience, and early baby nurturing time.

i value good advice and hard won experience. i don't quite understand the need to excuse ones' self from any choices made in a birth story.

well, enough observation for now i suppose. thank you for the rambling rant... 

and now i will tell you happy things about my own pregnancy. things i wish to remember.

- the baby moves a lot. this is the best reassurance in the world to me after the loss of our first pregnancy. i am truly astonished each time i feel a flutter or nudge.

- i don't look that pregnant yet... in fact i've lost weight since the pregnancy began. this amuses me and the doctors are pleased at how healthy we both are so far.

- but i did buy maternity clothes. the capris with the ever so attractive "panel" are soooo comfy. and i've stretched enough to need them.

- i love every baby and small person i see. no, see, i'm not normally that way. i am the type that is guilty of remarking that certain acquaintances "spawned", or are "breeding" when they announce a pregnancy... yeah. and i like little people a lot, but i don't necessarily swoon over each one like many sweet friends of mine do.

- i am nostalgic, sentimental, teary, moody and generally intense. to which you say, wasn't she already?

best of all- 

this experience is making me a more honest and determined human being. it is challenging me to straighten my priorities and know myself more than i have before. the idea of imprinting myself on a new little person is incredible and humbling. without cliche, i want to do my best and give the best to this little one.