and here i uttered a great sigh, and sink down into the mossy ground of my own thoughts. my own being. the night after was long, and i didn't sleep well. at 4:54 am i woke up, pulled on sweats, and my feet hit the pavement along the roads of a certain suburb in dallas. the thoughts rushed and a swirled, hung in midair, and dove right out and in and out and in...
no, see... i don't DO that, unless forced. compelled. the compulsion was... a combination of terror, ecstasy, desperation and delight. i made it through the dare. i did it. life is by no means perfect or what i expect. perhaps there are yet unforeseen consequences, but i feel like i can move forward for the FIRST TIME EVER since, well, i left italy.
it's not as if i didn't physically move forward before, i suppose... i certainly took actions that i felt were necessary to build the life i needed to live, but until now, i was not connected or certain. there will always be doubts in my life, but, now i feel reconnected and in control again.
control is illusory, i know, but i know i own myself again, and it will take a lot to shake loose my grasp. this time.