she pulled out the DSM from her shelf, opened it up and asked me to read some descriptions...

Bipolar II Disorder
Presence (or history) of one or more Major Depressive Episodes.
Presence (or history) of at least one Hypomanic Episode.
There has never been a Manic Episode or a Mixed Episode.
The mood symptoms in Criteria A and B are not better accounted for by Schizoaffective Disorder and are not superimposed on Schizophrenia, Schizophreniform Disorder, Delusional Disorder, or Psychotic Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.
The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
Hypomanic. This specifier is used if the current (or most recent) episode is a Hypomanic Episode.
Depressed. This specifier is used if the current (or most recent) episode is a Major Depressive Episode.

that was three weeks or so ago. the concept floated through my head, i read about it and thought about it - mentioned the idea to a friend or two ... the more i learned, the more i realized that the diagnosis was correct, spot on.

and now i'm coming to the close of a week of adjustment to treatment: mood stabilizers ... i'd had unpleasant experience with anti-depressants and strong feelings about ever using them again. so, it was a weird relief to know that i didn't have to take them... of course, i rapidly discovered that the first drug i started on (that fit my budget so well- thanks to the $4 pharmacy lists), an anti-convulsant, did not agree with me at all. i then shifted gears with the help of the doc, to a drug that can be classified as "anti-psychotic". heh.

now, for the most part - this news, and the concept of treatment has been acceptable to me. okay, this explains like a million things that i've felt i could never control about myself, aspects that i've been alternately amused, horrified or ecstatic over now have a source, a reason. but now, what the hell do i do?

it makes me angry that i only am learning this now.

i'm relieved to know this now.

it freaks me out that i can't control this.

i don't want this to be a crutch.

this really messes with my earnest endevours and ambition to crawl out of hell and into my self-defined paradise.

how wacked out and weird do i seem to other people? how long have i been this way? the paranoia and isolation i've felt all this time... it was all in my head, but now i think i've ruined my chances of getting out of it.

and WHY NOW??? i'm supposed to be kicking ass and taking names (as a friend of mine would say). i'm supposed to be finishing my last semester of college in a blaze of glory.




no one





... gods, i'm so melodramatic.