this was initially a guest post submission for a blog i follow... i initially thought it didn't make the cut, but i was wrong (thanks Gina!) ... look for it on The Feminist Breeder this Thursday, April 14.
For Donna Ezri:
Itʼs a warm spring day, the Kansas wind nearly knocked me over this morning while I was sliding you into the Moby wrap to go shopping. You are four months and five days old and your father and I are besotted with you.
Whenever you read this, I hope that you know that to your core. My prayer, with every breath as we sit and nurse in the glow of lamplight or as you lay on the floor rolling and squealing with delight and discovery, is that you will always know you are loved and worthy of it.
A few days ago I decided to write this letter for you. Itʼs gone through many drafts and stops and starts since then. There is so much, a universe I want to guide you through, so much I want to make sure you know. When I see the light and joy behind your eyes, and (already!) the anger and determination there too, I wonder how I am ever going to keep up with you and everything you need.
I have no idea what might transpire between the time that I look at you now and when you read this letter. I do know myself, and your dad, and what we are determined to give you... The things we want to teach you are really detailed and really nebulous... Love and understanding of the world around you, and ability to put yourself in the place of others and be willing to do whatever you can to help them... Passion for doing what is right, and determination to stand by your beliefs and be able to explain them without alienating others but opening their minds and hopefully opening your own.
When I think of the you that will read this letter, I see a bright and determined redheaded beauty, maybe 20 years old - maybe 16... and I think of myself at those ages. Your grandparents were born to be parents. They raised me to be interested in the world around me and to become an adult ready to interact with that world fully. I want the same for you. But I know that in the craziness of being a family, and raising you, and making sure you know how to be that person you are becoming, I may not
communicate everything I hope for you.
The world around us is full of beautiful things and difficult things, and all of it is going to shape you and change you and challenge you into being an amazing young woman. I canʼt wait to know you as that person. Never think that I donʼt want to listen to what youʼre thinking and feeling. I canʼt think of anything more important than knowing my family and what is in their hearts. You and your father are the blessing I never thought I would have.
You are at the threshold of life, and there is so much in front of you. If you donʼt realize or know it yet, I am behind you, I want you to excel in whatever you want to do and whatever it is you are passionate about. There may be times, I know there will be, when I will tell you truthfully what I think about things you do or say, but even if it is critical it does not change how much I care about you and the person you are. In fact, I tell you honestly what I think because I love you.
If I could tell you one thing that helped me most in the first ten years of my “adult life”, before you, it would be this:
The only person you can truly change is yourself.
I know, itʼs pretty straight forward, seemingly obvious... and, after living with me for 16 to 20 years, I am certain youʼve heard it a few times. There are some big reasons why this phrase is important to me.
The only person you really have complete “control” over is yourself, and it should be the only person you control... and that alone is a difficult job at times! Changing yourself is something you ought to do for yourself first, and most of the time only yourself. Donʼt let anyone tell you that you are unworthy or make you feel as if you cannot do what you know you can do.
There will be people in your life that you will fall for, that you will love or admire, that you will want to impress for reasons good and bad... they are the people you want to change for, and at times they are the people you think you can change. I have the privilege right now to help shape you and how you see the world, but I would never want to try and change your (already!) vibrant and sweet determined nature for the world. No matter how much you love another person and desperately desire them to change, the most you can ever do is love them and let them know you want to help. You can pray, you can be the best influence you can be, but they must make the choice to change if they need to.
And thatʼs the other thing that I have the blessing of seeing in you: the choices you make, good and bad, that will make you. You will see me make choices too, I canʼt guarantee that they will always be best, but I can promise with all my heart that the choices I make have been and will be with your contentment and happiness in mind.
Right now, the choices I see you make are whether to roll over or stay put, to reach for my coffee mug or to nurse or play... soon theyʼll get bigger and bigger. No matter how big or small, I am your mother and I will always be here cheering you on a praying the best into your life.
I love you.
Thank you for making me your mom.
4.08.2011
3.21.2011
the (dis)illusion of control
have you ever noticed our human tendency to fool ourselves into thinking we're in control? of anything outside ourselves? we learn so quickly that we can manipulate little things around us... and some of us are very much prone to allowing others to "control" at times...
ezri is on her tummy, on her little blanket, staring at the mirror i've propped up. she has become adept at grasping it and drooling all over it... but when she gets truly dissatisfied with it, and her position, she screams. it's actually kind of cute. but she knows, already, that if she makes enough noise someone bigger than her will come running and fix it.
smart baby.
recently, i heard someone say (basically), "i guess i didn't start praying for the right thing soon enough". wow. this made my head spin. the whole phrase makes me cringe. it implies that the speaker thought that in order to get what you want, you have to get your christmas list in to God by a certain time... that, somehow, we can simply order up our future by dialing in the right prayer at the right time.
pretty sure that's not how God works. i'm not even sure the person who said that realized how that sounded, or that s/he thinks that's how prayer works either. but what frightens me, and makes me take a hard look at my own habits and phrases and so on, is how easily that idea slipped out... and the fact that it implies a sense of perceived control.
i just finished writing something for my daughter in which one of the big things i shared with her is a statement that i have made a mantra at times: the only person i can change is myself. i've had this lesson taught over and over in my life. through a failed marriage full of mistrust and control and anger, through my own struggles with addiction and depression, and even through meeting and falling in love with my best friend... through positive and negative experiences, i've learned and relearned that i cannot control another person, ever... and i can definitely not control any situation that comes my way.
what i can do is work on me, and accept that life may throw some weird things my way but i can be flexible and open. when i open myself up to whatever God is pulling me through, i can grow and learn anything. some of the worst times in my life have become tipping points, the climax that leads to life changing decisions big and small. because i have been in a relationship where the person i loved thought he needed to "control" me, i know how it feels to be crushed into a mold that isn't me. after that, you fight anything and everything that might mean conformity.
years later, i've realized that not everyone or everything will control me. i can make choices. i make the choice every day to teach my child how to live in this world as an equal with delight and curiosity, i make the choice to love those around me whether they appreciate it or not, i make the choice to do right and to be unafraid of what others might think. i can be loving and considerate and still do what i need to do...
and it's so much less stressful than battling to control every tiny thing around you because you are afraid of the unknown. in my experience, as soon as you think you have a handle on it all, the whole thing comes crashing down and you have to start again. that's just too much work for me.
ezri is on her tummy, on her little blanket, staring at the mirror i've propped up. she has become adept at grasping it and drooling all over it... but when she gets truly dissatisfied with it, and her position, she screams. it's actually kind of cute. but she knows, already, that if she makes enough noise someone bigger than her will come running and fix it.
smart baby.
recently, i heard someone say (basically), "i guess i didn't start praying for the right thing soon enough". wow. this made my head spin. the whole phrase makes me cringe. it implies that the speaker thought that in order to get what you want, you have to get your christmas list in to God by a certain time... that, somehow, we can simply order up our future by dialing in the right prayer at the right time.
pretty sure that's not how God works. i'm not even sure the person who said that realized how that sounded, or that s/he thinks that's how prayer works either. but what frightens me, and makes me take a hard look at my own habits and phrases and so on, is how easily that idea slipped out... and the fact that it implies a sense of perceived control.
i just finished writing something for my daughter in which one of the big things i shared with her is a statement that i have made a mantra at times: the only person i can change is myself. i've had this lesson taught over and over in my life. through a failed marriage full of mistrust and control and anger, through my own struggles with addiction and depression, and even through meeting and falling in love with my best friend... through positive and negative experiences, i've learned and relearned that i cannot control another person, ever... and i can definitely not control any situation that comes my way.
what i can do is work on me, and accept that life may throw some weird things my way but i can be flexible and open. when i open myself up to whatever God is pulling me through, i can grow and learn anything. some of the worst times in my life have become tipping points, the climax that leads to life changing decisions big and small. because i have been in a relationship where the person i loved thought he needed to "control" me, i know how it feels to be crushed into a mold that isn't me. after that, you fight anything and everything that might mean conformity.
years later, i've realized that not everyone or everything will control me. i can make choices. i make the choice every day to teach my child how to live in this world as an equal with delight and curiosity, i make the choice to love those around me whether they appreciate it or not, i make the choice to do right and to be unafraid of what others might think. i can be loving and considerate and still do what i need to do...
and it's so much less stressful than battling to control every tiny thing around you because you are afraid of the unknown. in my experience, as soon as you think you have a handle on it all, the whole thing comes crashing down and you have to start again. that's just too much work for me.
2.19.2011
would you wear paper underwear?
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the other day i mentioned a few things i wanted to blog about, and this morning after nursing my little one back to sleep i couldn't seem to follow suit - so here i am! now, if you've ever out of morbid curiosity or sincere interest "googled" cloth diapers, you've probably realized that: a) it's not like it used to be, or what you thought it might have been like (oh we of the disposable only generations) and b) this is becoming a pretty substantial trend and a source of work and income for a lot of cottage industry type moms who want to work from home... so i think it's pretty sweet.
because there is such a massive amount of info out there, and it's good well written and eye catching - CD'ing can become addictive i kid you not, i will not bore you with too many mundane details. but i do want to tell you about how eric, ezri and i have encountered it, the resources we rely on, and why we're doing it.
encounter
my first memory of knowing (of) someone who did cloth diapering - since i've been grown (in africa it's pretty common) - was about 4 years ago. a friend was talking about nursery duty at church and how confusing it was to have to change a cloth diaper for the daughter of a mutual friend... i smiled and nodded and thought, okay, store that away for future research. it's funny to think, eric and i weren't even seriously dating at the time, and now we have a 3 month old...
after that, i noticed CD'ing popping up all over the place. a friend who knits her babies' wool diaper covers, new parent friends who were buying these pretty cute little pocket diapers that looked nothing like the flats and diaper pinned things i remembered from childhood. and then of course, there was the whole "oh yeah, mom only used 'sposies for her last kiddo" - my baby pictures include real cloth nappies, because disposables would have been virtually nonexistent in 1980's zimbabwe...
but until we were pregnant, i really hadn't put it all together. in my mind, when i saw myself changing my baby's diaper, i saw myself throwing that mess away - not rinsing and washing it!
why we're doing it
again, if you read the internets, you might have seen the big reasons somewhere. it's environmentally responsible - millions of disposable diapers (predominantly from the U.S.) end up in landfills every year - ew! it's (usually) economically smart. so far, ezri's adorable little diaper stash has cost us about $350 - the average cost of disposable diapering from 0 to potty-training (which takes longer and longer it seems these days) is anywhere from $1500 to $3000 depending on what you have to buy. and i say have to buy, because as many parents will tell you, every baby is different and what works on one will break another out. and that brings me to another reason: have you seen what they put in 'sposies? the gels and fibers that are designed to "wick away" moisture from baby are often things that were banned from use in cosmetics designed for adults. plus - i hate the smell of the disposable diaper aisle, it is soooo weird.
resources
okay, i have a degree, i've written papers, so i can't leave you with some of these statements without backing them up. some sources are:
Diaper Jungle -
this site has excellent "how-to's" and listings of small businesses who make the oh-so-cute diapers locally etc. it also has a couple of great pages with "history" of diapering and all the "why's" for cloth diapers... and my personal favorite, snappy comebacks for the slight critical curious stranger. although, i have to say we have mainly encountered bewilderment, surprise or bemused support and no hostility.
Cotton Babies and the Fuzzi Bunz Store -
personal favorites of mine, these sites are mainly retail with a bit of how to, a blog and some fun natural parenting and eco friendly clothing, toys and product other than their great diapers. i could get into my personal preferences and what i like to use but, that's another day or a conversation you can have with me via message ;) both of these companies have great facebook pages and good discussion and how to action goes on there.
okay, and now for storefronts:
Green Bambino -
eric and i were able to visit a physical store in oklahoma city when i was about 8 months pregnant. the green bambino is a fabulous little store and the women who work there are all cloth diapering natural mamas who are ready a willing to school you in the massive array of styles and techniques that have appeared on the scene in the last like, 15 years. the owner knows her stuff and it's just a plain fun place to be! i wish we lived closer.
The Nappy Shoppe -
the same goes for the nappy shoppe in allen, tx (DFW metro area)... my brother and sister-in-law decided to do cloth and we searched high and low in their area for a storefront before owen was born. we came up with this place, sharni and her crew have only recently started to do open houses and appointments in their workshop/storefront... their main business seems to come from the website. nappy shoppe sells several varieties of cloth diapers and all the trappings, plus sharni makes and sells gorgeous diaper bags, wetbags (i love mine!) and their own type of pocket diaper inserts ... we were able to go with ian and brittany on their appointment and she walked them through all sorts of diapering options and it was great to see them get excited about doing this for their baby and themselves!
Sweet Cheeks LLC -
okay, so until recently, i did not know that this store: sweet cheeks llc. existed in our own wichita, kansas! i have "liked" them on facebook and am eager to go visit. they sell a couple of my favorite diapers, and seem to be plugged in to a great natural parenting community i didn't know existed in this part of kansas! of course, i find this as we're looking for jobs that may lead us elsewhere but it still makes me pretty happy.
in conclusion =) if you're interested in cloth diapering:
- new parents/parents to be, visit a store! it will get you motivated. you can do CD'ing for as little as $200 if you do it right... or you can be like us and be seduced by all the fun prints, clever designs, and urge to find the perfect nappy and be mid-range ($300-$500 investment)
- ask around, you may be surprised who's doing this and you don't even know
- my mom (and mom in law actually) was a great confidence builder and cheerleader, your family will probably support you once you tell them why you're interested in doing this
- never too late to start. just because you have a one year old doesn't mean you can't start now. he/she will have at least another year in diapers - you could save $1000! and at least in our income, that's a chunk.
- if you're brave, ask me anything you'd like - i may not know it all, but i have learned you can geek out over anything, including diapers. yes, diapers.
2.08.2011
evangelical
okay, my siblings and i are old enough now to admit... there were times when we did actually roll our eyes at our mother. i denied this vehemently during the years american culture expects you to... i did not want to be THAT kind of teenager (instead i was a weird conservative/christian/slightly granola homeschooler) BUT i will now say it: i rolled my eyes when my mother would talk about something she was passionate about.
like breastfeeding. or being a homemaker. or homeschooling. or politics. feminism.
in the last few weeks though, i've realized something incredibly cool about motherhood. it increases your passion, your determination and your commitment levels threefold... at least! i may have occasionally rolled my eyes at my truly incredible mom, but it was with a level of pride in the fact that she is an educated, loving and intelligent woman who has no shame in stating her priorities of God and family first. she is evangelical about all the things that make her life so full and interesting. she is evangelical because she wants others to have the same experiences, because she is a teacher and wants everyone to know good news in any form.
so how is motherhood changing me? what perspectives are being heightened, altered, or opened up for me?
well, i have certainly gotten evangelical. i feel like this should almost be an apology to anyone who "follows" my facebook feed... i am obsessed with cloth diapering, lactivism and parenting articles! i have become what i feared so easily, and i am enjoying it without shame... and without feeling like i've lost my identity.
mommyhood is re-awakening old expectations and desires, hopes i had for my grown up life. so many of the things i am reveling in now are things i'd quietly put away to the back of my heart. after the upheaval of my early twenties, i had told myself that things like babies and hope and a husband that says things like, "i like taking care of you" or "i like that you are your own person", and having the chance to stay at home (*gasp* me? a SAHM?) were chances expired.
someday, i hope i'll remember to share with ezri how she has changed my life for the better from the instant i knew we were expecting her. so many things eric and i choose to do now, we do with greater commitment and vehemence because we know making or breaking habits we have now will *hopefully* help us build a better life for her. i want to get up early in the morning, and she's certainly good at helping with that, and keep going... i want to cut expenses and save and buy smart because every little thing we choose to do now is enabling us to make the best home for her.
so - things on my mind that i hope to share my evangelical fervor about:
- raising girls of substance and dimension in our culture
- breastfeeding and "natural"/baby-led weaning to real people food
- cloth diapering
- frugal and simple living
- our research and first steps in unschooling/homeschooling
- choosing to stay at home with my incredible little girl
nothing truly original i know... but things i feel prompted to talk about, to pass on. this week, i've had the exciting experience of becoming an auntie and it has made me realize already that nearly 3 months of my little girls life has flown by. seeing ian and brittany take their first wonderful and frightening steps into parenthood has increased my love and gratitude to my family and my desire to record my thoughts and feelings right now. i don't know what format all these thoughts will survive on til ezri is ready to read them... by then a "blog" might sound like a telegram or airmail letter is starting to sound to us, but i want her to have a taste of what her mama was like on this cold dry february morning in kansas, 2011.
i feel compelled. maybe i'll even become evangelical.
like breastfeeding. or being a homemaker. or homeschooling. or politics. feminism.
in the last few weeks though, i've realized something incredibly cool about motherhood. it increases your passion, your determination and your commitment levels threefold... at least! i may have occasionally rolled my eyes at my truly incredible mom, but it was with a level of pride in the fact that she is an educated, loving and intelligent woman who has no shame in stating her priorities of God and family first. she is evangelical about all the things that make her life so full and interesting. she is evangelical because she wants others to have the same experiences, because she is a teacher and wants everyone to know good news in any form.
so how is motherhood changing me? what perspectives are being heightened, altered, or opened up for me?
well, i have certainly gotten evangelical. i feel like this should almost be an apology to anyone who "follows" my facebook feed... i am obsessed with cloth diapering, lactivism and parenting articles! i have become what i feared so easily, and i am enjoying it without shame... and without feeling like i've lost my identity.
mommyhood is re-awakening old expectations and desires, hopes i had for my grown up life. so many of the things i am reveling in now are things i'd quietly put away to the back of my heart. after the upheaval of my early twenties, i had told myself that things like babies and hope and a husband that says things like, "i like taking care of you" or "i like that you are your own person", and having the chance to stay at home (*gasp* me? a SAHM?) were chances expired.
someday, i hope i'll remember to share with ezri how she has changed my life for the better from the instant i knew we were expecting her. so many things eric and i choose to do now, we do with greater commitment and vehemence because we know making or breaking habits we have now will *hopefully* help us build a better life for her. i want to get up early in the morning, and she's certainly good at helping with that, and keep going... i want to cut expenses and save and buy smart because every little thing we choose to do now is enabling us to make the best home for her.
so - things on my mind that i hope to share my evangelical fervor about:
- raising girls of substance and dimension in our culture
- breastfeeding and "natural"/baby-led weaning to real people food
- cloth diapering
- frugal and simple living
- our research and first steps in unschooling/homeschooling
- choosing to stay at home with my incredible little girl
nothing truly original i know... but things i feel prompted to talk about, to pass on. this week, i've had the exciting experience of becoming an auntie and it has made me realize already that nearly 3 months of my little girls life has flown by. seeing ian and brittany take their first wonderful and frightening steps into parenthood has increased my love and gratitude to my family and my desire to record my thoughts and feelings right now. i don't know what format all these thoughts will survive on til ezri is ready to read them... by then a "blog" might sound like a telegram or airmail letter is starting to sound to us, but i want her to have a taste of what her mama was like on this cold dry february morning in kansas, 2011.
i feel compelled. maybe i'll even become evangelical.
1.22.2011
i am thankful for...
a husband who is a pro at folding cloth diapers and putting baby to sleep
our sweet sleeping little girl
incredible family who pray for us every day
friends that i can still talk to for almost two hours over the phone, who rejoice with me, groan with me, and encourage me
the security that i can only credit God for creating in my choice to just focus on being a mama right now
the blessings that are yet to come, that we don't ever deserve, that God simply holds in store for us because (and I understand this better every day now) we are his children and he will always give us what we need.
__________________
it's hard to believe that ezri is almost 10 weeks old. she's 2 1/2 months... and filling out all of her sleepers and onesies with gorgeous rolls of chub. there is no more beautiful baby, i am mesmerized by her sweet smiles and little "words"... it is truly a sweet time in my life, the sweetest yet. i never knew that this was coming. there is now a part of me that can comfort the broken hearted person i was 5 years ago and rejoice in stepping into a new role that will grow and change with me every day for the rest of my life. the most challenging role i will ever play... and i am thankful for it.
our sweet sleeping little girl
incredible family who pray for us every day
friends that i can still talk to for almost two hours over the phone, who rejoice with me, groan with me, and encourage me
the security that i can only credit God for creating in my choice to just focus on being a mama right now
the blessings that are yet to come, that we don't ever deserve, that God simply holds in store for us because (and I understand this better every day now) we are his children and he will always give us what we need.
__________________
it's hard to believe that ezri is almost 10 weeks old. she's 2 1/2 months... and filling out all of her sleepers and onesies with gorgeous rolls of chub. there is no more beautiful baby, i am mesmerized by her sweet smiles and little "words"... it is truly a sweet time in my life, the sweetest yet. i never knew that this was coming. there is now a part of me that can comfort the broken hearted person i was 5 years ago and rejoice in stepping into a new role that will grow and change with me every day for the rest of my life. the most challenging role i will ever play... and i am thankful for it.
12.29.2010
peace and other good feelings
 |
| Rebecca Witte Photography - please do not reproduce without permission |
we've been warned - she may be placid, sweet and calm now, but just wait, her personality will change.
it might. that's okay.
but right now the most peaceful feeling i can remember encountering, ever, is watching our baby sleep... and there is nothing quite like the excitement and joy that comes over us when we see her learn to hold her head up and turn to a voice, to practice little laughs in her sleep, to smile and coo at us, to grasp my hand when she nurses ...
i want you to know, i think it's pretty great.
11.28.2010
perfect
it must be one of the oldest and newest feelings on earth - the overwhelming, breath-taking, awe-inducing love and trepidation that sweeps over a woman, and a couple, when her child breathes a first breath. i cannot imagine anything else like it.
i sit in the den, lit by the glow of our christmas tree, and marvel at the sweet soft skin and adorable squeaks (yes, squeaks) and murmurs of my daughter as she sleeps. she is 12 days old. she is perfect.
and we all arrive like this. how can anyone not be filled with love and awe at the thought of this event? how can we learn to see eachother as we were - new, pure and whole, as my mother says: closer to God? we were all there... and we all should be loved as much as our little ezri.
she will, without a doubt, grow and learn and become capable of doing things that will exasperate, bewilder, challenge and even dissapoint us. she will, without a doubt, become her own person full of her own opinions and ideas, thoughts that are unique to herself... and i may not get them all... i know that this tiny, beautiful individual will become so many things. she will always know that in my eyes she is whole and she is perfect.
i may not always succeed in communicating this to her - she may even come to believe at times that she is far from it - but all i see as i watch her sleep is all the good God has found in the two of us, all i see is what i hope He sees in us, and i have a taste of the love our Creator has and the vision He holds for us.
the nights can be long, and sleep patterns have altered drastically, i may at times feel tethered to this little thing, and there may be moments where i gladly will hand her to others who love her so i can rest... but the words to describe us right now sound like peace, contentment, awe, gratitude and perfect.
i sit in the den, lit by the glow of our christmas tree, and marvel at the sweet soft skin and adorable squeaks (yes, squeaks) and murmurs of my daughter as she sleeps. she is 12 days old. she is perfect.
and we all arrive like this. how can anyone not be filled with love and awe at the thought of this event? how can we learn to see eachother as we were - new, pure and whole, as my mother says: closer to God? we were all there... and we all should be loved as much as our little ezri.
she will, without a doubt, grow and learn and become capable of doing things that will exasperate, bewilder, challenge and even dissapoint us. she will, without a doubt, become her own person full of her own opinions and ideas, thoughts that are unique to herself... and i may not get them all... i know that this tiny, beautiful individual will become so many things. she will always know that in my eyes she is whole and she is perfect.
i may not always succeed in communicating this to her - she may even come to believe at times that she is far from it - but all i see as i watch her sleep is all the good God has found in the two of us, all i see is what i hope He sees in us, and i have a taste of the love our Creator has and the vision He holds for us.
the nights can be long, and sleep patterns have altered drastically, i may at times feel tethered to this little thing, and there may be moments where i gladly will hand her to others who love her so i can rest... but the words to describe us right now sound like peace, contentment, awe, gratitude and perfect.
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