i've just been


that's all. i'm so ridiculously aware of myself, my brain, my heart, my mind... i devoured a book between last night and this afternoon, and i've a good mind to eat another tonight. i mean, what's the use? i can't seem to focus on anything i should and i'm mesmerized by my own incomrhensible idiocy, my warped and self-centered mind . . .

and the world just keeps happening around me, and all the people i love are impatiently waiting for me to get over it and rejoin the party. i'm so dull and repetitive, so thick and slow, so... small and petty and full of fear

i want to stop. i'm trying to stop. this is no time to be doing this.

no time to be doing this at ALL

i can't... and this is all so silent and desperate.

if i'm manic depressive, i'm not even good at that. i'm wimpy... i'm just pitiful and stupid... and very very dizzy

ugh... why why why do i feel so outside of myself and so warm and weird tonight? i don't want this, and yet i do... but if i have this can it be so over the top that all will stand back in awe and excuse my shortcomings and remember only my pain, and what i've already been through

i want to be finished with this place, and yet i'm stuck stuck STUCK

i can't seem to let myself out - and i want OUT ... i want OUT OUT OUT
but i can't seem to want it enough.
if i wanted it enough i'd find the right energy and i would do my work and it would GET DONE
and the internet would fade away
and the strain and stress and terror would diminish
and i would relax
and cry
and breathe
and find a place to soak in a tub with hot water until all this horrid horrid nastiness came out of me

am i really really this way or am i making myself this way? am i hiding behind something not quite there or is this REAL???

i just want to be able to do something right. i want to close this chapter of my life.

no, i REALLY do.

god please let me