closed my first show here this weekend. i'm ready to move on from neil simon ... next up, peter shaffer's amadeus. yay.

but before i dive deep into that, i'm taking a little breather. eric is arriving in ohio on thursday, and i am very much ready to see him. we've spent more time apart during this dating thing than we have together. tucson is entirely too far away, and tennessee is only marginally better.

it's been nearly two months since i arrive in cincy. in some ways i feel i've been here longer, in other ways i still feel like i'm going back to school in a couple of weeks and that this is all just temporary.

but it's not.

and this year, perhaps the first of many (a few?) in cincinnati is my time to get this whole living a balanced, responsible life right. i feel like there's so much ahead of me, so much good is possible. there's also good now, but i'm still clearing the cobwebs away from years of ups and downs, and hiding from myself and what i need to do, and who i need to be.

lots of reading about bp going on right now, i had a scary time about a month ago. a mixed episode on the verge of mania, half a day spent in the E.R. in order to get meds, and to get sorted. on opening night. not the way i wanted to spend my time, and then it was. i knew it was coming, i let my meds run out, and i was pushing myself to get things done, and nervous as heck about my new job, and what everyone thought of me. paranoia was beginning to rear its ugly head.

so, i'm trying to get a handle on all of it. i still have moments of serious doubt about the diagnosis. can't i just be an intense, creative, highly strung person? can't i live without the drugs?

i'm on a waiting list for therapy at a clinic with a sliding scale... that's good. in the meantime, i fill my brain with books and good thoughts. i may even go to a support group meeting this week... maybe.

and the job is good. i've realized i can't do just this for very long in theatre... i want something more creative to sink my teeth into. i miss rehearsal. i miss research. i miss running lines, and pulling costumes, and scribbling down blocking. i can do so much, and then i also feel like i can do so little. i'm praying that some door will open, even a small opportunity, to prove myself, to make something, to create.

but this is a good place to be, and i can only see it getting better.